Life without Daniel. 10-03-20
Not something I ever thought I would be writing about. I thought we had many more years ahead of us. I thought for sure we'd be in rocking chairs on the front porch sipping sweet tea, watching the grandkids and great grandkids running around. The day he decided to put the gun to his head and pull the Trigger he took away all my dreams and hopes for the future I had. He stole these moments from me. He promised me forever. Forever ended sooner then I was ready for.
I am so unbelievable pissed off at him. I love him more than anyone will ever understand, but at this moment I still hate him. I want to punch him in the throat and tell him how very much he disappointed me. He was the strongest man I've ever known. He worked 3 jobs when he had to, just to provide for us. He gave the shirt off his back if someone needed it. He convinced me to let, two strangers (to me) stay in our house while they got back on their feet. Yet he couldn't come to anyone of us that loved him to tell us that he really was too tired to go on. Instead he ran. He took away his pain, but left so much more for so many other people. He truly didn't think of anything other than pulling that Trigger. In the end He didn't think about the turmoil that he would be leaving the boys and I to wade through and figure out. What it would mean that he took his own life. I'm not the bread winner in this family, he was. I was the homemaker. I will now have to figure out the new me.
Do we stay in this house that truthfully I wasn't sure we should have stayed in once the paperwork for the loan was figured out. There are way to many memories and feelings in this house. I asked Daniel time and time again before we signed the paperwork on this house if we were sure this is where we wanted. Because he was so set on staying here, we did. This house needs work. Because we got screwed with the guy we did a Rent to Own with I have quite a bit of ceiling damage, wall damage and even floor damage where the roof leaked for 3 years. So I now have the decision to make on if the bank wont work with me where will we go. If there was insurance on the house and it pays it off do we stay here and fix it all, do we fix it and rent it, do we fix it and sell it. There are so many decisions to be made, and the one person I want to talk to, is the person that put us in this position. The choices I make wont just effect me, it effects the boys as well. Decisions and more Decisions and non of them easy.
3-4-21
I had to walk away from the blog portion above. It was too hard to write. It's still not easy, but there is so much in my heart and head I feel the need to put to words. Even if no one reads this, I need to have it out of my head.
It's been 6 months & 6 days almost to the exact moment that Daniel pulled the Trigger. I am no longer pissed off, I am just disappointed and so very sad. I'm not okay. There is this huge gapping hole in my soul & heart were he is missing. There has been so many times I've picked up the phone to text him or call him just to remember that he isn't there to share the joys and sorrows. He was supposed to be the one to have "the talk" with the Hobbits, to teach them to drive, to work on their cars, to open doors for people, to take a person on their first date and how to behave like a gentleman. For the boys to graduate, find their other halves and to start their families. For the girls to finish having their families and for those families to have families. To Watch all our children grow into the person they were destined to be. To watch each other grow into the people we were destined to be.
Six months ago I never in a million years would have thought I'd be without him. Every single day is a struggle. I've tried to sugar coat it, but I'm so tired of lying to everyone and saying I'm okay when I'm not. Not really. Every single day I wake up and go to bed thinking of him and what he missed that day. What I may or may not have done differently if I just had his insight on any given situation. When something goes wrong with one of the vehicles and I can't just call him and be like Fix it. When I sit in my car and just bawl my eyes out because I hear the song he chose for me for the first time since his death. How late at night when I take my shower, you can't tell the tears from the water running down my face because that is when we did most of our talking. How I smile when Bug looks at me because with his head shaved he looks just like him. Or when Peanut gets all excited about some model he wants to make that he saw on youtube. Or how Runt has gotten taller though he's still shorter than the rest. How Little Man made the decision that school and him just didn't work out, so in a matter of two weeks went to George Stone, He and Babin both got their High School diplomas and signed up for the Welding Progam. How Lil Bit has started her own business. How Monkey is this much closer to finishing her degree and how he pushes her every day (even without him here). How Airee has given us our 10th grandchild. How Wiggles if finally coming into who she is. How we have 3 fabulous son in laws, 1 boyfriend in law. LOL! These are all things we were supposed to watch together. But instead it's just me.
I know everyone grieves differently but there are days I just wish to feel whole again. I know eventually it will somewhat heal, but never go away. It never gets easier. People who say that lie. Each day is a little less hard though. At least for me that is. I wish people would stop saying soon I'll be back to my old self. Guess what? I'm never going to be the same. I will never be that same person I was six months ago. I'm figuring out who I am still without him. I've learned much about myself, but I still haven't figure out who I am and what I want to do.
I watch all these people and these stupid Memes on facebook about relationships and I just shake my head and laugh at them. A relationship is not 50/50, it's 100/100. Each person gives 100% of themselves to the relationship. They support each other when one is down, they hold the others hand when they need it. They are their shoulder to cry on and their arms for love. There is no just my money and your money. They share money when one has none. They live their lives together, but understand they are their own person and sometimes need to hang out with other people. That living in each others pockets can cause more problems.
I have also learned that I have no patience for people who say one thing and do something completely different. When Daniel died everyone told us, if you need anything all you have to do is call. I understand people have lives and that is why I don't call on most people often. But don't tell me to count on you, then not come through when you say you are gonna come through for me, and than get mad because I WILL NOT Lean on you again. I WILL NOT allow anyone in my house to get their hopes up just to be dashed. I THANK EVERYONE who has helped us. I love all of you and appreciate each of you, but I have to say a special thank you to a couple of people: Monkey & RD, Mistress & R2, My Amazon Queen & Her Knight, My Boss in Chanclas with her Mini Me & My beautiful Seraphim. Without your amazing support, late night phone calls, random texts and letting me invade your homes I do not think I'd have gotten though as much as I have.
No one wants to talk about what the survivors feel when something like this happens. How the guilt starts to eat away at you. Because how as his wife could I not have seen the clues? How did I not know it had gotten so bad, he felt that this was his only option? How because I didn't see the clues I have deprived so many people of such a wonderful man? How because of me not seeing it, my children no longer have their father. Because of me not seeing it, our littlest grandchildren and any in the future will only be able to know him through stories and how those stories ended with him taking his life. Wondering what I could have done differently to make him want to stay? Wondering why I wasn't good enough for him to continue with out life? Wondering if all those years ago if he really wanted this family we started and the paths we walked? Wondering what I could have done differently to make him know he could talk to me and what was going on in his head? I think the younger ones don't have quite that thought process, but I know for a fact Little man often thinks about what he could have done differently. If he'd just stayed home instead of hanging with his friends. These are the thoughts I live with daily. Not all of them filter through my head every day, but every day at least one of them does. Yes I know that known of this was truly my fault, because in the end he's the one who drove to BFE, he's the one that waited until there was no one around and he's the one that put the gun to his head and pulled the Trigger. He did that. He left our house at 0630 and didn't kill himself until 1203. That's 5 1/2 hours he thought about what he was going to do and in the end still took away such a big part of our lives with such a selfish act.
So instead of asking, "How are you?" maybe ask instead, how is today? Are you having a good day? Do you need 15 minutes to vent, cry on my shoulder? Randomly surprise the person with a treat. A coffee, a tea, their favorite candy bar or bag of chips. A stuffed animal that made you think of them. A hand delivered or even mailed card, just saying I'm thinking about you. I personally have no suicidal thoughts, but my thoughts can get dark just like everyone else and sometimes, just sometimes a random nice thought or act of kindness changes my whole day. I May not even realized how I've been acting or that my mind is clouded and I get his random text or facebook post, or phone call and it makes my whole day just that much brighter. :D
Hopefully by the end of the month we will be in our new home, with a fresh start. We will never forget the Love of my Life, the dad of my children, the brother, the friend, the cousin, the nephew, the son, the ROCK in all our lives. But each day it's a little easier to forgive him and let go. He'll always live in my heart, my soul and in my mind but slowly the hurt will go away. I never wanted this, I never wanted our children to go through this, but we will survive it. He made all our lives better and even though the hurt that's what we will hold on to.
I believe I've babbled enough for now, I love all of my Ohana, my family and my friends.
