Ramblings thoughts

So I'm gonna start this blog with a little background incase I actually have someone new reading it.  At this time in my life I am a 40 year old, polyamorous, pansexual, widowed mother of 4 children by birth, 5 children by choice (5 Boys and 4 Girls.  That's 9 all together for those having trouble keeping up.) and 9 grandchildren with one on the way.  I have mixed grandchildren and white grandchildren.  I am an only child by birth, but I have a few who are my soul siblings.  One is my big Brother who is of color.  If you don't understand any of this please feel free to ask questions.  You don't know the answer until you ask.  

I will tell you right now I truly hate labels and I hate using the words BLACK AND WHITE to describe people.  I AM NOT WHITE!!!  My skin tone is more of a peach or possibly apricot.  Just like people we call black aren't all Black.  Most are some shade of brown.  I ALSO HATE that "white" people are the only ones who can't use the ancestry to describe themselves.  I hear people complain all the time about having to check the African American box, the Island Pacific Box, the Native American box.  I HATE checking the White box.  Most days I now check the other box and write in European American.  

If anything I have said pisses you of, that's your right.  Don't read my shit.  If anything I'm about to say pisses you of, Don't read my shit.  I have a horrible addiction to TikTok and one of my favorite creators on there says, Get Fucked and Stay Fucked if you don't like it.  The time for being polite is over, but I wont shove it in your face.  Make sense?  

Have you ever just had something stewing for years in the background of your mind?  Something you know needs to addressed and no one is doing it, but you aren't sure how.  You Speak.  One voice can turn into thousands.  But You need to do it the right way.  You don't shove it down peoples throats, you don't shove it in peoples faces.  You don't make the other side less important than what you are fighting for.  Does this make sense.  I'll give you a couple of examples so you can see what I'm saying before I get to the heart of this post.  You are in the LGBTQ+ family.  You want equal rights.  Honey I believe you should have them.  I think you should be able to marry whichever gender, non gender your little heart desires.  But that DOES NOT make a heterosexual marriage any less.  A lot (Not nearly enough) don't care that you walk down the street holding your other persons hand.  There will always be haters.  No matter how far in life we evolve, there is always going to be hate.  I wish I could be Jeannie or Samantha Darrin and slap my arms together or twitch my nose and make it all go away.  I can't, so I teach my children it's non of our business who anyone loves.  It's okay to be who you are.  It's not okay to shove it down someone's throat.  Example 2:  The man I call big brother is of Color.  I would fight for that man, just as I would for my grandchildren who are of mixed races.  Yes we as America needs to change.  But putting any one race above another race is not how to do it.  Riots are not going to make people change their minds about it!!!!  I don't care what race you are, if you riot you are a Fucking Idiot.  All you are doing is hurting yourself if you get caught and most of the time innocent businesses caught in the cross fire, some of which never return.  Taken a knee at the National Anthem doesn't do anything other than piss people off.  Yes they are talking about you taking a knee but not in a good way.  Not in a Positive way.  Our National Anthem is about AMERICANS.  Not the different races in America.  WE HAVE PEOPLE DYING to defend your right to take that knee.  Not just military (Don't get me started on that) but police, fire, emt's.  Our Front line defense both foreign and domestic.  Does that make sense to anyone else? 

So let us move on the reason I write this post!  WE HAVE TO START DOING BETTER FOR OUR SONS AND NOT JUST OUR DAUGHTERS.

ARE YOU FLIPPING LISTENING?  THERE IN THE BACK, CLEAN THE COBWEBS OUT OF YOUR HEAD. YOU CLEAN THE CRAP OUT BETWEEN YOUR EARS.  YOU LISTEN TO THESE WORDS THAT ARE COMING OUT OF MY MOUTH.... 

STOP teaching your children that it is NOT okay to abuse girls/women but it is okay to abuse boys/men.  Anyone teaching their sons to not a hit a woman is teaching them it's okay for the woman to abuse them, because boys/men are not allowed to hit girls/women back no matter what.  You are not allowed to defend yourself from abuse.  Yes statistically women are abused more then men are.  BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN IT DOESN'T HAPPEN THE OTHER WAY AROUND.  I want you to picture this:

Man and a woman are dating.  They are at one of their house or even living together at this point.  They start yelling at them, calling them names, they say they are sorry.  It evolves into pushing, they say are sorry. Pushing moves into hitting, again they say they are sorry.  All the while the person getting abused isn't defending themselves.  They take the abuse.  They can't touch the other person because they know if they do, they'll get into trouble.  

Now imagine that this is your brother, son, father, best friend.  He's been taught you don't hit a woman no matter what because than you aren't a man.  If you can't control your woman than you deserve to get beat.  Take it like a man.  Men don't cry.  So they let this woman hit them, call them names, take advantage of them.  All because they were raised to not hit a woman.  They can't even grab her to stop her because she may bruise from how hard he has to hold her to get the abuse to stop.  And if she bruises the tables are turned.  Even if the bruises on him are more, cause then she gave them to him defending herself.  We pat her on the back and we are proud of her because she stood up for herself.  But if your son/brother/bff/father were to do that he'd be ridiculed for allowing a woman to beat on him.  Asked, Your bigger than she is why didn't you walk away?  Because the minute he does she hits herself with something so now he is abusing her.  

Imagine your son/brother/bff/father is gay/trans/just likes to be pretty.  He gets attacked by a group of guys.  He's bigger than all these guys and defends himself doing more damage physically then they did.  He gets into trouble because most time.  

Lets move on to rape.  A girl/woman gets raped and we instantly believe her story.  You should never doubt the victim is what we are told.  We move heaven and earth to find her rapist.  But if a man gets raped by a woman, we ridicule him, tell him his lying there is no way he could be raped by a woman.  There is no way he could get hard if it was rape.  

Do we see at all where I am going with any of this.  We have to stop putting labels on people (MOST LABELS).  We have to start loving thy neighbor.  We live in a society where most people don't know who there neighbor is other than the color of their skin.  Or the Flag they have flying in their yard.  WE NEED TO START LOOKING PAST all that and to what kind of person they are.  Everyone makes mistakes no one is perfect.  

Okay I think I'm done with my rant or Soapbox if you will.

Be kind to someone today.  You never know whose life you might change.  

The day the music died

 Good Morning Everyone.  It's been a massive minute since I've done anything on my Blog and I feel like this is a homecoming.  I will be using it a lot more.  On Wednesday Aug 26, 2020 at roughly 1150 in the morning my husband of 10 year and other half for 13 years decided to take his own life.  He was the best of all of us.  Caring father of 8 wonderful kids, grandfather to 9, friend, brother, son, nephew, mentor, and someone all of us loved.  The last week and a half has been the roughest of my life and I know rougher water is still to come. 

You never think this is something that is going to happen to your family and let me tell you, it blindsided us all.  I will be writing more about the inner thoughts on this later.  I will tell you that the morning of was nothing out of the ordinary for us.  Lady Sylvanas woke us up at 0530 as she has been doing for over a week, My Loves first alarm went off at 0545 and I could hear him stretching in the bedroom.  0600 his second alarm goes off and he gets out of bed, does his bathroom business, comes into the kitchen and starts his coffee.  He walks outside while it percolates and smokes his cigarette.  Walks back inside grabs his first cup of coffee and heads back to the bedroom to get dressed for work.  Comes back out to the living room, puts his socks and shoes on heads to the kitchen for his 2nd cup of coffee.  Sits back down on the couch and flips through Facebook for a couple of minutes, before one of our twins asks for troops in COC.  He gets on COC and for the next 15 minutes maybe we are all working on our COC on our phones.  He stands up hugs all three of our younger children, walks down the hall and I hear him say something to our oldest son who hasn't crawled out of his hole yet.  Walks into the bedroom and I assume it for last minute double check that he has everything (this was not why he walked into the bedroom), comes back out and leans over me sitting on on the chair kisses my forehead, bops my nose says he loves me (I say I love you back) and walks to the door.  One of my biggest regrets will be that I love you wasn't my last words to him, but I stopped him at the door and did a normal couple thing.  "Hey love, it's Wednesday.  Trash day! There is meat in the trash please take it out."  He says sure and walks not only out the door but out of our lives forever.  

Thirty minutes later I bundle the Hobbits out the door, screaming at our Oldest to get up or he'll be late and drop them at school.  At roughly 0815 I receive a text that was meant to go to my husband from a co-worker of his asking why he quit.  I'm like, um this isn't who you are looking for it's his wife.  He's all like I'm so sorry, do you know what is going on?  I'm like no but I'll pass the message to him.  I immediately flipped over to our family tracking and it says he is still at the house but it hasn't updated since 1945 the night before.  I called his work, where I was informed by the store manager that my husband pulled up in front of his (the store manager) motorcycle and clipped his store keys to his bike and drove off.  

By this time you can imagine I am freaking out.  The store manager said he turned right out of the parking lot and maybe I should go check out another company that he had been talking about lately.  A friend and God Father to our twins works there, so I haul ass over there.  By the time I walk in I'm hyperventilating.  Our friends takes me outside and he starts trying to call my husband, but his phone is off.  I've called a couple of our close friends to see if anyone had heard from him.  NO ONE HAD.  About this time it's 0900 and I head back to our house to see if I can find anything that points to maybe where he had gone.  (Again there are things I'm not saying at the moment because I'm not ready to, not that I'm hiding anything.  When I work through it myself I'll probably blog again.)  I pull into our yard at the same moment another friends does and she calls to report him missing while I run into my house like a crazy woman.  I see that my gun is still where it's supposed to be and I look for his.  My heart stopped.  Not only is the gun missing, but where it's supposed to be is his phone.  Turned off and flipped upside down.  I screamed and dropped to the floor.  I knew in that moment I'd never see the love of my life again.  Our friend is in our yard screaming what happened.  I manage to pull myself up and head to the porch to tell her.  She gets off the phone and tells me the police are on their way.  

All I can do is stand there numb, unable to think of anything.  Our friend keeps telling me that I need to have hope and he'll be okay.  But I knew deep down that, that wasn't true.  He wouldn't have left his phone in that specific spot and he wouldn't have taken his gun with him. The police arrive and the guy is very nice.  My friend does 90% of the talking because I just can't.  He gives us the report number and says if we think of anything please let us know.  By this time our oldest son is home and standing with me.  Non of know what to do.  The police officer said we should stay here.  I've called more people then I can count and I'm sure their are other I could have called but remember I'm in a blind panic.  I manager to get ahold of a friend of his that he's known forever, long before I came into the picture) and they give us an old hangout spot.  I called the police and she says that the officer in charge of the case will call me right back or he's still in the area he'll stop by.  

Five minutes later the office pulls up. I don't even see that there are two other officers with him.  I walk closer to him to tell him about this place we've thought of.  He lets me tell him, and reaches for my elbow.  Before he can even finish the sentence, "Ma'am I need you to...." I'd hit the ground screaming.  It's the most devastating moment in my life.  As soon as I hit the ground I had booth our oldest son and his best friend (Who we consider ours, he's lived with us off and one for 3 years) in my arms crying just as hard as I am.  I know our oldest daughter stopped by at that moment to see if we heard anything, but I can honestly tell you the next 2 and half hours are a blur.  I remember crying and being held by friends.  I remember making phone calls and people telling me I didn't have to do that, but I needed to tell these people who were our friends and family.  

At roughly 1450 our Hobbits pulled up (a Friend picked them up from school) and I had to figure out how I was going to tell our Children that their father wasn't coming home.  My support system and I agree that for now we wouldn't tell my Hobbits (10 yrs old and 9 yr old twins) the complete truth.  I'm 40 years old and can't wrap my head around what was going on, how was I supposed to help our children understand.  One should never have to tell their young children that Daddy is never coming home.  

We will be starting therapy as a family in the coming weeks and I will be telling them the truth then with the help of the therapist.  I'm a writer and I needed to get this out.  Over the next little bit I'll be writing more and getting our story out there.  From the beginning to his death, and then on to what the children and I are doing.  

Thank you for reading my experience and remember to hold your family close and never forget to tell those that you love, that you love them.  Every day hug them and make sure they know your feelings.  

This is not proof read by anyone so there are mistakes.  

We are all Homosapiens

Okay so this was written on 08-27-15 and when I logged into this today for the first time in 5 years realized

I never published it. SO here it is.

I was at the store this morning (no I will not say which one, but it was not my normal Wal*mart) and something happened I feel the need to talk about and share with you.  No it was not a pretty thing, but ugly and mean.  I’m coming out of this store and I see the prettiest little girl standing about 3 cars before mine.  She’s about 3 years old if that bright red hair and the some type of candy all over her face.  Next I notice the couple getting another baby (infant seat) out of the car.  Now we are probably 20 cars or so down the isle and I’m probably half way to them when the little girl caught my eye.  As I’m passing the couple I nod and say what an adorable little girl they have, to which the little girl giggles and hides behind their legs.  Makes my morning.  What little adorable child giggling wont make a mothers day, even if it’s not their own child.

I get to my van, open the back to put the couple of bags I have in the back when I hear this woman screaming, “You Abomination!  You Devil’s Spawn!”  I stop and look around thinking they are talking to me.  Wouldn’t be the first time these terms have been used towards me, I’m sure will not be the last.  In this case though it’s being directed to the couple with the adorable little girl that just finished strapping the car seat into a stroller.   I’ll give you 3 guesses (and the first 2 do not count) why this crazy person is screaming at them.   Yup!  From what I can tell it is a Lesbian couple.  One is just more masculine and is dressed as a guy would, but you can tell they are both female.  Normally I’d just get in my van and let them handle themselves, but this woman is now standing right by them hurling insults and Biblical verses at them.  The adorable child is crying and doing her best to hid between their legs.  I can see both clinching their fists and I just see this not ending well for anyone.

The Lesbian couple (and I do apologize if I’m in correct and one or the other is trans, but off first glance this is what I saw) is trying to calm the little girl and has started to walk away from the screaming Banshee of a “Christian”.  But this woman will have non of that and is determined to follow them.   They Stop and turn around and ask if she going to follow them into the store. To which she says yes.  They turn around and head back to their car.  Now all of this has happened in less than probably 3 minutes.  They get back to their car and start strapping their kids in, turns the car on and shuts the door.

The Banshee is now screeching her insults at this couple.  They both look very embarrassed as it‘s started to gather attention.  Again we are probably at minute 5 from the time it started to now.  No one is doing anything and I can’t take it any more.

If you know me, you know I don’t do bullying and I sure as hell don’t do the shoving of one’s religion down someone’s throat.  I will be doing this in sort of a Dialog next so please bear with me.  So I step up to the group and clear my throat.

The Banshee stops and looks at me (I’m in a tank top that shows off the tattoo’s on my arms and shoulders and jeans) and says, “Are you a Lesbian devils spawn also?”

I take a deep breath and say, “Ma’am do you really believe screaming at these two is going to accomplish anything other than making you look bad?”

I don’t think she liked my question, because next she goes, “I am a Christian and it’s my duty to help these two understand the error of their ways.”  She is still screaming at the top of her lungs.

“Yes ma’am,” I say.  “I understand you believe you are a Christian.  But standing in a parking lot screaming at these two are not going to make them want to listen to you.  It is the Christian way to guide not through insults at them.  Screaming like a banshee will just piss people off and make them want to run over you.”

30 seconds of silence as this woman can’t believe what I just said.  As she starts to talk, I stop her and say,”  Let me give you an example of something.  You right now screaming your religion at the top of your lungs stating they will be going to hell, that their children will be going to hell, that they are an abomination and need to die (Yes one of her insults as this), you sound like the radical Islamic Religion that is killing Christians because it goes against their religion.”

Yes I just said that.  The Banshee became very red faced, truthfully I thought she was going to have a heart attack, opened and closed her mouth for a minute, looked at them then me and the crowd that had started to gather and huffed stated one more time we were going to Hell and walked away.

The couple looked at me, thanked me, shook my hand and got in their car and drove away.  I got in my Van drove to the gas station a couple blocks away and stopped.  Thought about what I had said to that lady and realized how true it is.

I know this is going to really piss some people off, but listen to me.  I.S.I.S. is killing Christians right now because it goes against their religion and they deserve to die.  That is what they are fighting for.  Christians that go Screaming and yelling, hurling insults and stating that the LGBT community, or Atheists, or anyone who isn’t a Christian is wrong and that they deserve to die and go to hell.  In my eyes you are doing the same thing I.S.I.S is doing without the murder.

Wake up world!  When are you going to realize we are all Homosapiens.  We all bleed the same damn color.