Ramblings thoughts

So I'm gonna start this blog with a little background incase I actually have someone new reading it.  At this time in my life I am a 40 year old, polyamorous, pansexual, widowed mother of 4 children by birth, 5 children by choice (5 Boys and 4 Girls.  That's 9 all together for those having trouble keeping up.) and 9 grandchildren with one on the way.  I have mixed grandchildren and white grandchildren.  I am an only child by birth, but I have a few who are my soul siblings.  One is my big Brother who is of color.  If you don't understand any of this please feel free to ask questions.  You don't know the answer until you ask.  

I will tell you right now I truly hate labels and I hate using the words BLACK AND WHITE to describe people.  I AM NOT WHITE!!!  My skin tone is more of a peach or possibly apricot.  Just like people we call black aren't all Black.  Most are some shade of brown.  I ALSO HATE that "white" people are the only ones who can't use the ancestry to describe themselves.  I hear people complain all the time about having to check the African American box, the Island Pacific Box, the Native American box.  I HATE checking the White box.  Most days I now check the other box and write in European American.  

If anything I have said pisses you of, that's your right.  Don't read my shit.  If anything I'm about to say pisses you of, Don't read my shit.  I have a horrible addiction to TikTok and one of my favorite creators on there says, Get Fucked and Stay Fucked if you don't like it.  The time for being polite is over, but I wont shove it in your face.  Make sense?  

Have you ever just had something stewing for years in the background of your mind?  Something you know needs to addressed and no one is doing it, but you aren't sure how.  You Speak.  One voice can turn into thousands.  But You need to do it the right way.  You don't shove it down peoples throats, you don't shove it in peoples faces.  You don't make the other side less important than what you are fighting for.  Does this make sense.  I'll give you a couple of examples so you can see what I'm saying before I get to the heart of this post.  You are in the LGBTQ+ family.  You want equal rights.  Honey I believe you should have them.  I think you should be able to marry whichever gender, non gender your little heart desires.  But that DOES NOT make a heterosexual marriage any less.  A lot (Not nearly enough) don't care that you walk down the street holding your other persons hand.  There will always be haters.  No matter how far in life we evolve, there is always going to be hate.  I wish I could be Jeannie or Samantha Darrin and slap my arms together or twitch my nose and make it all go away.  I can't, so I teach my children it's non of our business who anyone loves.  It's okay to be who you are.  It's not okay to shove it down someone's throat.  Example 2:  The man I call big brother is of Color.  I would fight for that man, just as I would for my grandchildren who are of mixed races.  Yes we as America needs to change.  But putting any one race above another race is not how to do it.  Riots are not going to make people change their minds about it!!!!  I don't care what race you are, if you riot you are a Fucking Idiot.  All you are doing is hurting yourself if you get caught and most of the time innocent businesses caught in the cross fire, some of which never return.  Taken a knee at the National Anthem doesn't do anything other than piss people off.  Yes they are talking about you taking a knee but not in a good way.  Not in a Positive way.  Our National Anthem is about AMERICANS.  Not the different races in America.  WE HAVE PEOPLE DYING to defend your right to take that knee.  Not just military (Don't get me started on that) but police, fire, emt's.  Our Front line defense both foreign and domestic.  Does that make sense to anyone else? 

So let us move on the reason I write this post!  WE HAVE TO START DOING BETTER FOR OUR SONS AND NOT JUST OUR DAUGHTERS.

ARE YOU FLIPPING LISTENING?  THERE IN THE BACK, CLEAN THE COBWEBS OUT OF YOUR HEAD. YOU CLEAN THE CRAP OUT BETWEEN YOUR EARS.  YOU LISTEN TO THESE WORDS THAT ARE COMING OUT OF MY MOUTH.... 

STOP teaching your children that it is NOT okay to abuse girls/women but it is okay to abuse boys/men.  Anyone teaching their sons to not a hit a woman is teaching them it's okay for the woman to abuse them, because boys/men are not allowed to hit girls/women back no matter what.  You are not allowed to defend yourself from abuse.  Yes statistically women are abused more then men are.  BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN IT DOESN'T HAPPEN THE OTHER WAY AROUND.  I want you to picture this:

Man and a woman are dating.  They are at one of their house or even living together at this point.  They start yelling at them, calling them names, they say they are sorry.  It evolves into pushing, they say are sorry. Pushing moves into hitting, again they say they are sorry.  All the while the person getting abused isn't defending themselves.  They take the abuse.  They can't touch the other person because they know if they do, they'll get into trouble.  

Now imagine that this is your brother, son, father, best friend.  He's been taught you don't hit a woman no matter what because than you aren't a man.  If you can't control your woman than you deserve to get beat.  Take it like a man.  Men don't cry.  So they let this woman hit them, call them names, take advantage of them.  All because they were raised to not hit a woman.  They can't even grab her to stop her because she may bruise from how hard he has to hold her to get the abuse to stop.  And if she bruises the tables are turned.  Even if the bruises on him are more, cause then she gave them to him defending herself.  We pat her on the back and we are proud of her because she stood up for herself.  But if your son/brother/bff/father were to do that he'd be ridiculed for allowing a woman to beat on him.  Asked, Your bigger than she is why didn't you walk away?  Because the minute he does she hits herself with something so now he is abusing her.  

Imagine your son/brother/bff/father is gay/trans/just likes to be pretty.  He gets attacked by a group of guys.  He's bigger than all these guys and defends himself doing more damage physically then they did.  He gets into trouble because most time.  

Lets move on to rape.  A girl/woman gets raped and we instantly believe her story.  You should never doubt the victim is what we are told.  We move heaven and earth to find her rapist.  But if a man gets raped by a woman, we ridicule him, tell him his lying there is no way he could be raped by a woman.  There is no way he could get hard if it was rape.  

Do we see at all where I am going with any of this.  We have to stop putting labels on people (MOST LABELS).  We have to start loving thy neighbor.  We live in a society where most people don't know who there neighbor is other than the color of their skin.  Or the Flag they have flying in their yard.  WE NEED TO START LOOKING PAST all that and to what kind of person they are.  Everyone makes mistakes no one is perfect.  

Okay I think I'm done with my rant or Soapbox if you will.

Be kind to someone today.  You never know whose life you might change.  

The day the music died

 Good Morning Everyone.  It's been a massive minute since I've done anything on my Blog and I feel like this is a homecoming.  I will be using it a lot more.  On Wednesday Aug 26, 2020 at roughly 1150 in the morning my husband of 10 year and other half for 13 years decided to take his own life.  He was the best of all of us.  Caring father of 8 wonderful kids, grandfather to 9, friend, brother, son, nephew, mentor, and someone all of us loved.  The last week and a half has been the roughest of my life and I know rougher water is still to come. 

You never think this is something that is going to happen to your family and let me tell you, it blindsided us all.  I will be writing more about the inner thoughts on this later.  I will tell you that the morning of was nothing out of the ordinary for us.  Lady Sylvanas woke us up at 0530 as she has been doing for over a week, My Loves first alarm went off at 0545 and I could hear him stretching in the bedroom.  0600 his second alarm goes off and he gets out of bed, does his bathroom business, comes into the kitchen and starts his coffee.  He walks outside while it percolates and smokes his cigarette.  Walks back inside grabs his first cup of coffee and heads back to the bedroom to get dressed for work.  Comes back out to the living room, puts his socks and shoes on heads to the kitchen for his 2nd cup of coffee.  Sits back down on the couch and flips through Facebook for a couple of minutes, before one of our twins asks for troops in COC.  He gets on COC and for the next 15 minutes maybe we are all working on our COC on our phones.  He stands up hugs all three of our younger children, walks down the hall and I hear him say something to our oldest son who hasn't crawled out of his hole yet.  Walks into the bedroom and I assume it for last minute double check that he has everything (this was not why he walked into the bedroom), comes back out and leans over me sitting on on the chair kisses my forehead, bops my nose says he loves me (I say I love you back) and walks to the door.  One of my biggest regrets will be that I love you wasn't my last words to him, but I stopped him at the door and did a normal couple thing.  "Hey love, it's Wednesday.  Trash day! There is meat in the trash please take it out."  He says sure and walks not only out the door but out of our lives forever.  

Thirty minutes later I bundle the Hobbits out the door, screaming at our Oldest to get up or he'll be late and drop them at school.  At roughly 0815 I receive a text that was meant to go to my husband from a co-worker of his asking why he quit.  I'm like, um this isn't who you are looking for it's his wife.  He's all like I'm so sorry, do you know what is going on?  I'm like no but I'll pass the message to him.  I immediately flipped over to our family tracking and it says he is still at the house but it hasn't updated since 1945 the night before.  I called his work, where I was informed by the store manager that my husband pulled up in front of his (the store manager) motorcycle and clipped his store keys to his bike and drove off.  

By this time you can imagine I am freaking out.  The store manager said he turned right out of the parking lot and maybe I should go check out another company that he had been talking about lately.  A friend and God Father to our twins works there, so I haul ass over there.  By the time I walk in I'm hyperventilating.  Our friends takes me outside and he starts trying to call my husband, but his phone is off.  I've called a couple of our close friends to see if anyone had heard from him.  NO ONE HAD.  About this time it's 0900 and I head back to our house to see if I can find anything that points to maybe where he had gone.  (Again there are things I'm not saying at the moment because I'm not ready to, not that I'm hiding anything.  When I work through it myself I'll probably blog again.)  I pull into our yard at the same moment another friends does and she calls to report him missing while I run into my house like a crazy woman.  I see that my gun is still where it's supposed to be and I look for his.  My heart stopped.  Not only is the gun missing, but where it's supposed to be is his phone.  Turned off and flipped upside down.  I screamed and dropped to the floor.  I knew in that moment I'd never see the love of my life again.  Our friend is in our yard screaming what happened.  I manage to pull myself up and head to the porch to tell her.  She gets off the phone and tells me the police are on their way.  

All I can do is stand there numb, unable to think of anything.  Our friend keeps telling me that I need to have hope and he'll be okay.  But I knew deep down that, that wasn't true.  He wouldn't have left his phone in that specific spot and he wouldn't have taken his gun with him. The police arrive and the guy is very nice.  My friend does 90% of the talking because I just can't.  He gives us the report number and says if we think of anything please let us know.  By this time our oldest son is home and standing with me.  Non of know what to do.  The police officer said we should stay here.  I've called more people then I can count and I'm sure their are other I could have called but remember I'm in a blind panic.  I manager to get ahold of a friend of his that he's known forever, long before I came into the picture) and they give us an old hangout spot.  I called the police and she says that the officer in charge of the case will call me right back or he's still in the area he'll stop by.  

Five minutes later the office pulls up. I don't even see that there are two other officers with him.  I walk closer to him to tell him about this place we've thought of.  He lets me tell him, and reaches for my elbow.  Before he can even finish the sentence, "Ma'am I need you to...." I'd hit the ground screaming.  It's the most devastating moment in my life.  As soon as I hit the ground I had booth our oldest son and his best friend (Who we consider ours, he's lived with us off and one for 3 years) in my arms crying just as hard as I am.  I know our oldest daughter stopped by at that moment to see if we heard anything, but I can honestly tell you the next 2 and half hours are a blur.  I remember crying and being held by friends.  I remember making phone calls and people telling me I didn't have to do that, but I needed to tell these people who were our friends and family.  

At roughly 1450 our Hobbits pulled up (a Friend picked them up from school) and I had to figure out how I was going to tell our Children that their father wasn't coming home.  My support system and I agree that for now we wouldn't tell my Hobbits (10 yrs old and 9 yr old twins) the complete truth.  I'm 40 years old and can't wrap my head around what was going on, how was I supposed to help our children understand.  One should never have to tell their young children that Daddy is never coming home.  

We will be starting therapy as a family in the coming weeks and I will be telling them the truth then with the help of the therapist.  I'm a writer and I needed to get this out.  Over the next little bit I'll be writing more and getting our story out there.  From the beginning to his death, and then on to what the children and I are doing.  

Thank you for reading my experience and remember to hold your family close and never forget to tell those that you love, that you love them.  Every day hug them and make sure they know your feelings.  

This is not proof read by anyone so there are mistakes.  

We are all Homosapiens

Okay so this was written on 08-27-15 and when I logged into this today for the first time in 5 years realized

I never published it. SO here it is.

I was at the store this morning (no I will not say which one, but it was not my normal Wal*mart) and something happened I feel the need to talk about and share with you.  No it was not a pretty thing, but ugly and mean.  I’m coming out of this store and I see the prettiest little girl standing about 3 cars before mine.  She’s about 3 years old if that bright red hair and the some type of candy all over her face.  Next I notice the couple getting another baby (infant seat) out of the car.  Now we are probably 20 cars or so down the isle and I’m probably half way to them when the little girl caught my eye.  As I’m passing the couple I nod and say what an adorable little girl they have, to which the little girl giggles and hides behind their legs.  Makes my morning.  What little adorable child giggling wont make a mothers day, even if it’s not their own child.

I get to my van, open the back to put the couple of bags I have in the back when I hear this woman screaming, “You Abomination!  You Devil’s Spawn!”  I stop and look around thinking they are talking to me.  Wouldn’t be the first time these terms have been used towards me, I’m sure will not be the last.  In this case though it’s being directed to the couple with the adorable little girl that just finished strapping the car seat into a stroller.   I’ll give you 3 guesses (and the first 2 do not count) why this crazy person is screaming at them.   Yup!  From what I can tell it is a Lesbian couple.  One is just more masculine and is dressed as a guy would, but you can tell they are both female.  Normally I’d just get in my van and let them handle themselves, but this woman is now standing right by them hurling insults and Biblical verses at them.  The adorable child is crying and doing her best to hid between their legs.  I can see both clinching their fists and I just see this not ending well for anyone.

The Lesbian couple (and I do apologize if I’m in correct and one or the other is trans, but off first glance this is what I saw) is trying to calm the little girl and has started to walk away from the screaming Banshee of a “Christian”.  But this woman will have non of that and is determined to follow them.   They Stop and turn around and ask if she going to follow them into the store. To which she says yes.  They turn around and head back to their car.  Now all of this has happened in less than probably 3 minutes.  They get back to their car and start strapping their kids in, turns the car on and shuts the door.

The Banshee is now screeching her insults at this couple.  They both look very embarrassed as it‘s started to gather attention.  Again we are probably at minute 5 from the time it started to now.  No one is doing anything and I can’t take it any more.

If you know me, you know I don’t do bullying and I sure as hell don’t do the shoving of one’s religion down someone’s throat.  I will be doing this in sort of a Dialog next so please bear with me.  So I step up to the group and clear my throat.

The Banshee stops and looks at me (I’m in a tank top that shows off the tattoo’s on my arms and shoulders and jeans) and says, “Are you a Lesbian devils spawn also?”

I take a deep breath and say, “Ma’am do you really believe screaming at these two is going to accomplish anything other than making you look bad?”

I don’t think she liked my question, because next she goes, “I am a Christian and it’s my duty to help these two understand the error of their ways.”  She is still screaming at the top of her lungs.

“Yes ma’am,” I say.  “I understand you believe you are a Christian.  But standing in a parking lot screaming at these two are not going to make them want to listen to you.  It is the Christian way to guide not through insults at them.  Screaming like a banshee will just piss people off and make them want to run over you.”

30 seconds of silence as this woman can’t believe what I just said.  As she starts to talk, I stop her and say,”  Let me give you an example of something.  You right now screaming your religion at the top of your lungs stating they will be going to hell, that their children will be going to hell, that they are an abomination and need to die (Yes one of her insults as this), you sound like the radical Islamic Religion that is killing Christians because it goes against their religion.”

Yes I just said that.  The Banshee became very red faced, truthfully I thought she was going to have a heart attack, opened and closed her mouth for a minute, looked at them then me and the crowd that had started to gather and huffed stated one more time we were going to Hell and walked away.

The couple looked at me, thanked me, shook my hand and got in their car and drove away.  I got in my Van drove to the gas station a couple blocks away and stopped.  Thought about what I had said to that lady and realized how true it is.

I know this is going to really piss some people off, but listen to me.  I.S.I.S. is killing Christians right now because it goes against their religion and they deserve to die.  That is what they are fighting for.  Christians that go Screaming and yelling, hurling insults and stating that the LGBT community, or Atheists, or anyone who isn’t a Christian is wrong and that they deserve to die and go to hell.  In my eyes you are doing the same thing I.S.I.S is doing without the murder.

Wake up world!  When are you going to realize we are all Homosapiens.  We all bleed the same damn color.

Equality

So I stayed quiet yesterday and I was gonna not say anything at all about this, but after seeing all the cheering (along with bashing Christians) and the bashing from so called Christians I feel I must address something on my feed.

I am all for Equality.  I believe everyone should be treated equal no matter what.  Your life style is your business.  As long as you aren't harming anyone (truly harming) then live your life how you see fit.  If you wanna have sex with your Goat by all means have fun, but don't expect me to join in or even be around when you do that.  But please respect my right to have my opinion.  The reason I feel the need to write this is because on both sides I've seen in the last 24 hours someone (more then one someone) state if you aren't with me your against me and that makes you the enemy.  These are the same people that were shouting not 48 hours ago that there shouldn't be a race card.  That everyone is equal.  So forgive me if I'm confused.  You are only for Equality if it fits your agenda?

1. We are the land of the right to choose whatever religion we want
2. We are the land to love who ever we want
3. We are the land of you can be whoever you wanna be as long as you work hard and put forth an effort.
4. We are the land of many opportunities.
5. We are the land of a bunch of Hypocrites
6. We are the land of If you don't believe in my Religion, Political Agenda then Fuck you.
7. We are the land of if you aren't my race, if you don't like the same sex I do then Fuck you.

Do you see where this is going?  All it takes is one Whisper to turn into a roar either good or bad.  All it takes is one bad thing to ruin a tremendous amount of good things.  But it takes a shit ton of good for it to dent the bad.  What is wrong with you people?  Yes there are bad people out there that are Extremists, but mostly it's just every day people trying to handle their own shit.  People keep jumping on what ever band wagon is popular at the moment.

It takes just one person to change the world.  Truly it does.  I know you've read or heard me before, but we in my household are trying to be that person.  We are teaching the boys to love everyone.  To forgive (because holding grudges just breeds negativity) but not forget.  To not see the color of ones skin, but see the soul inside.  We don't judge anyone and everyone who wants to start something can stay away.  There are plenty of things people in my life do and I scratch my head and think to myself, what the hell were they thinking.  But I do not blast them on FB, I don't degrade them in front of our peers.  I may pull them to the side and go, "Okay, what the hell is going on?"  And at the end I may still not understand, but at the end of the day it's not my life.  I try and support/guide if I can.  Somethings I just have no knowledge of and I can't do anything but be the ear that listens.  As long as it doesn't harm me or mine have yourself a merry time.

But understand this people who believe the whole if you aren't with me your against me crap you are your own worst enemy.  You are showing more intolerance then anyone else.  You are giving them more reason to say, "See why should I be tolerant, they aren't."  Be the bigger person.  I understand you have to stand up and fight for what you believe, but that doesn't give you the right to be ugly if I don't agree with you.

Say I was a Die hard follow the Bible Christian.  That is my right.  It is my right to not agree with the new Marriage Equality Law.  It is within my right to say it is wrong and goes against my religion.  IF I am a Die hard Lesbian who doesn't believe in the Bible, that is well within my rights to disagree with a Bible thumping Christian.  But that doesn't give either one right to bash the other.  You each have an opinion which should and can be discussed civilly.

Just because you are this race doesn't give you the right to bash that race.  I'm sorry our country was founded on Slavery, but if you read your history correctly it wasn't just Africans that were sold into Slavery.  The Irish were treated a lot the same way.  Some giving their lives up for servitude to live in the US and not in their home country.  But to keep harping on something that happened more then 100 years ago and to keep blaming people of today is wrong.  That is my write to say that.  We have Blackfeet Indian running through our veins but you don't see my raising cane and causing scenes over what was done.

You can't change the past, but you can change the future.  Once voice, one random act of kindness, one person can change the world.  Not all Peach colored (I'm sorry I'm not white) people are bigots and against Darker colored people.  Not all Darker Skinned people are against Peach skinned people.  Not all Christians are against the LGBT community.  Not all LGBT hate Christians.  But until we set it all aside and just be nice to everyone there will be hate and discontent and just plain Rage.  Are there people out there that hate some group or religion, yes.  But that's not everyone.

Just remember EVERYONE has a right to their OWN OPINION!  We do still live in a Free Country (at the moment).

No I am not a professional blogger, this is my personal one. So there are spelling errors and Grammer errors, but I don't care.  :D  Much love to all.

A Rant on my Soapbox

As with most of my blogs, let me say that there will probably be spelling & grammar errors.  I might make some of you mad.  But as we live with free will, my opinions are my opinions.  I'm allowed to have a different one then you.  As you don't have to agree with me, you can have your own opinion.  Please understand though, just because we have different opinions doesn't me I have the right to force mine down your throat or you to force yours down mine.  I'm all for a great discussion as long as that's what it is.  No bashing, no name calling, no religion thumping and no shoving it down my throat.  This is just a small portion of what goes on in my head... Please bear with me.  

I've read a lot in the last 48 hours about Bruce Jenner/Caitlyn Jenner.  How she's a Hero, How she's not a hero, How he will always be a he, How he and everyone like him is going to hell.  And the list goes on and on.  As someone who is friends with a number of the Transgender community she has taken the steps many of these people would like to take to become the person they are inside.  It is not for anyone to Judge.  (I know as a majority Homosapiens will judge)  Yes, if you believe in the bible it does state (not exact words) to show the lost the path.  What it does not say is to shove that path down our throats and make us feel like we are worth nothing.  Everyone is entitled to an opinion and has the right to express that opinion, but not the right to be hatefully or hurtful with it.  

I have fought with my "religion" all my life.  Trying to figure out if I fit into any of the hundreds of religions out there.  I've been to many different "churches" and never seemed to fit into any given one.  I even thought for a while there I found a "Home"  but in the end I still felt like I didn't belong there and moved on.  As of this moment I believe there is a Big Man up there, but I have a very hard time with any organized religion. Now that portion being said, I believe in equal rights for every HOMOSAPIEN.  I don't care if you are male, female, black, white, gay, straight, transgender or whatever.  I do not think it is our place to judge anyone.  That is between the person and their maker.  Their maker is the one who will judge in the end.  

I believe that there a many types of Hero's in this world.  You don't have to wear a uniform to be a Hero.  Just many that do wear them are.  I believe Bruce/Caitlyn Henner is a Hero for the Transgender Community.  This is a step in the right direction for them.  Hopefully a step towards acceptance.  I think it's funny how in today's society there is still a race card, but have you ever noticed no matter what race everyone "hates" the LGBT Community.  This will be a never ending battle until People learn it is not our place to judge.  But again, some will always judge.  It is Homosapien nature. 

I Very MUCH SUPPORT our LGBT Community.  But please understand as long as you aren't hurting people I pretty much support.  In my household we are teaching our children to accept everyone based on the person they are on the inside.  Not the color of their skin, their religion, or who the have sex with or love.  A person is a person.  People also make mistakes and for those that are truly trying to atone for the mistakes and become a better person then they deserve a second chance.  Our home is Sanctuary.  For those of our friends in need, who need help.  Once you step foot on our property you put aside all your hate or prejudices aside and we are just family! 

So this rant has gone all over the place and if you have been able to follow it great if not then oh well.  But the bottom line is EVERYONE should be treated EQUAL No Matter what! 

For my Ohana reading this I LOVE ALL OF YOU!  

A little Bit about us

It’s been almost 3 years since I wrote a blog.  I’m going to try and get back into writing at least once a month, if not once a week.  There have been a lot of changes in our lives in 3 years.  So I’m going to start this Blog off with background on myself and my family for those that may come across it and go um….what in the world.  LOL!  Please understand this is not a professional blog, so I have spelling and grammer errors. 

At the time of writing this exact blog I am 34 years old.  My husband and I have been together for 8 years this year and married 5 of those.  We have 8 Children we call ours though not all of them are ours by blood.  Coming into our relationship my husband had 3 girls he called his own (and they called him dad) for years even though he was not their biological father.  He dated their mother and when the relationship went south he stayed in contact with the girls.  Our youngest girl (who is now 21) at the time had a best friend that we “adopted” into our family.  Even though she lives in another state now she is still one of ours.  I came into our marriage with our oldest son, whom I had in a previous marriage.  We were quite content with the lot we had.  But the Big Person upstairs had other plans.  In March of 2010 we had our Mack.  He spent 6 days in the NICU because they didn’t like the way he was breathing, but that is for a different blog entry.  In Dec of 2010 Daniel and I got married.  That month we also found out we were having another baby.  Talk about a shocker.  But wait it gets better.  In Jan of 2011 we found out we were having not one, but two.  Yes you read that correctly.  We were having twins.  I will not lie, I was scared out of my mind.  I mean holy rusted metal Batman…. here we were at the time with a 6 soon to be 7 year old and a not even 1 year old and now we were having twins.  Oh my Daleks (as we say in our house)!!  Again I’m not gonna lie I prayed for boys.  We already had two and I’m a tomboy.  I had no clue what I’d do with a girl, let alone two. Well my prayers were answered and I was carrying two boys.   At the end of June 2011 my father in law’s blood sugar sky rocketed and he had an episode that landed him in the hospital and we thought for sure we were going to lose him.  He was in a coma for roughly a month.  On July 17, 2011 I went in to Labor and Delivery and told them the boys were coming.  Since I was only 32 weeks they attempted to stop my labor.  My husband, was running between my room and his fathers room which were a floor apart.  On July 18, 2011 Malachi and Killian made their grand entrance into the world.  This would be 2 days before my father in law and his twin sister were to celebrate their birthdays. Within days my father in law woke up and is still alive today.

This was the start of where we are today.  It was with the birth of our twins that has taught me it truly takes a village to raise a child.  Our family has grown so much since Daniel and I started dating in 2007.  We don’t just have our children, we have those we call family.  You’ll see in this blog that we are teaching our children to love based on what is on the inside, not the outside.  Our home has become Sanctuary to many.  When you come on our property you leave all the BS and drama behind.  You don’t have to worry what people will think.  We don’t judge.  Now we may look at you and go, “What in the Sam Hell were you thinking?”  But it will be said with a hug and love and possibly a punch to the shoulder.  One of our motto’s comes from the movie Stitch and when we first started using it we were a little family. 

“This is my family. I found it all on my own. It's little, and broken, but still good. Yeah - still good.” 

We still use that one, though we are not a little family any more.  We also use:

“Ohana means family, and Family means nobody gets left behind.. or forgotten”

In my blog you will see me talk about many things and many people.  A lot will revolve around my Family.  Our family has everyone from Church Goers to Pot Smokers.  Tattooed and Non Tattooed.  Gays, Straights, Lesbians and Transgenders.  Black, Asian, Latino, Scottish, Heinz 57 mixed mutts.  We have young and old.  Our family is who loves us and us them.

A few notes to help you further understand us:

Many of our family are Whovians.

We cosplay.

We are geeks and very proud of it.

We swear, drink and most of us own guns.

While yes I believe in the Big Person upstairs I am beginning to understand I don’t really fit into any religion (A Blog for another day).

So please, love us or hate us.  Read my blog or don’t.  But maybe just maybe it will help someone understand themselves a little better.   

I can’t wait to get started on what I hope is the first of many Blogs to come. 

Not even sure how to title this

I have sat here for days and typed and deleted, typed and deleted and typed and deleted this blog.  The reason being I would start out fairly southern, but sure enough 1/2 through it my northern side would rear it's ugly head and crap, obviously not calm enough to write this.  

So hopefully with this try over a week later I'll be able to sit and write everything I need to say.  Now remember as always these are my opinions and I have the right to them.  You have the right to like them or not like them.  If you are of a mind you have the right to not read my blog and get bent.  I have decided that I'm 32 years old and truthfully sick of all the crap that is still going on 14 years after high school ended.  I get that everyone (and I mean everyone) has drama in their lives, but when you cause most of your own drama I have no sympathy.  I am probably going to piss people off and I might even lose some friendships but if you can't handle my opinion of things than obviously we weren't friends to begin with.  I AM NOT POINTING FINGERS at anyone I'm just stating things I see and it's a combination of years and years of frustration over some things.  I will also limit the names I do use for I know they will not care that I've used them, but if I have not used a name, please respect the fact that I haven't used a name and don't mention any names.  If you do, I will DELETE the comment.  

For the record I am not perfect, hell I'm probably the farthest thing from it so don't think that with this blog I am saying I am perfect and everyone else is not.  Let me explain things so everyone knows what is going on in this household, that way no one can say I'm passing judgement from my perfect palace.  

Just because I don't talk about it or post it on facebook all the time doesn't mean I don't have my bad days.  Since the twins came along I have struggled with a small bout of depression.  I've never experienced this before and at first didn't understand what was going on.  It took until just 4 or 5 months ago for me to come to terms with what is going on.  Because we make a hair too much money for state assistance in insurance, but not enough to actually get insurance any other way, I am without it.  So instead of borrowing money from my parents to go to the doctor, my fabulous husband and our friend Jacob, have taken on the brunt of my frustrations.  They have held me up and held me tight through horrible crying fits that I thought I would surely break into a million pieces from.  Remember please I am a strong person and for me this is unacceptable.  I do everything I can to not have these in front of our children, because I do not want them to be effected by this in any way.  I know that at least my oldest understand that I am going through something, but I do not think the little ones have a clue.  I hope they don't anyways, please let me have my delusions.  Now, where it has effected my children is the fact that I did not want to go anywhere and I did not want to do anything.  I wanted to sit here and be in my own little bubble.  The problem with this is that means I have no face to face time with adults.  So I am with just my children all day every day.  As most of you especially stay at home moms know, our job is 24/7 and is 365 days a year.  There is no sick time, no vacations.  So in combination with being depressed, slowly I was going insane too I think.  Again all this was happening and I didn't understand it until about 4-5 months ago.  Never in all that time did I think about ending my life or that of my children.  I just wanted to scream and cry and be held by the people who love me most.  

Now that we/I understand what I am going through we have been working to get me better and all this without the help of meds and doctors.  (NOT BASHING ANYONE WHO IS ON MEDS OR GOES TO THE DOCTOR)  Hopefully this will help you understand why I don't have the time or energy to deal with some of the crap I read, heard and seen on a daily bases.  

So let us begin with my Soapbox:

1. If you complain there is never enough money and either you or your spouse or you and your spouse don't work (and there is no legitimate medical or mental reason for not working) get off your lazy ass and find a freaking job.  I'm sorry it might not be your "DREAM" job, but GOOD LORD it's a damn job.  So you are flipping burgers or working behind a counter at a gas station you are providing for yourself or your family.  Get over yourself.  When you have a family to feed and provide for NOTHING should be beneath you.  So what if you have to work 2-3 jobs.  You choose to have a family no get off your ass and provide for them.  At the moment Daniel is not working his butt off at both jobs, but we've noticed that it looks like we need some income coming in from that 2nd job.  So he will go back to working 45 hours or more at job 1 and than go to job 2 and work 20-40 hours there.  Meaning we at the house wont see him.  I'll be back to putting everyone to bed by myself most nights and doing shower time with just my oldest and I.  It's gonna be tough, but we can do it.  We will make it through this like we have everything else in life.  Does Daniel want to do this, no.  He enjoys spending time with his family, but he UNDERSTANDS what it means to take care of his family.  

2. If you complain there is never enough money, but you are constantly going out or buying new things I have NO SYMPATHY for you.  Ever once in a while splurging is one thing, but when you are going out 3-5 times a week or every weekend there is an issue.  If you buy something that is wanted but not needed at that time and than don't have money for your bills, there is an issue.  Again the every once in awhile splurging is different.  If you don't have the money to put gas in your car at the end of the week, but you have been out and about ever day doing nothing but being out of the house, NO SYMPATHY.  We grounded the van for a full week and a half and I went no where I didn't absolutely have to go because we knew we weren't gonna have the extra cash.  

3. I'm not sorry for my opinion on this one, but sorry it may hurt feelings.  If you put your schooling before you providing for your family.  What I mean by this, is instead of working to provide for your family and doing school around that to better yourself.  When because you are going to school full time the only income you are getting is from your loans and state assistance and you don't have enough money to feed your children, or pay your light bill or rent and you complain about it, I have NO SYMPATHY.  I understand the need to better yourself, so you can provide better for your children.  BUT, that should never come before making sure they are feed and provided for.  

4. My oldest father is not in the picture, he lives in a different state and has had no face to face contact with him since he was 6 weeks old, no phone contact with him since he was 3-4 years old and no email/facebook/myspace, snail mail contact since he was probably 5 years old.  No birthday or Christmas cards or presents since 3-4. Some months child support comes in, some months it doesn't.  I don't ever count on that money though, because the minute I do I stop getting it.  I try to spend 25% on things my oldest wants.  The rest I use to help pay bills for the house or with sport activities.  I have no need for my ex husband and I am sure he feels the same about me, but I NEVER BASH HIM in front of or around or where my oldest might see it.  All it does is make you look like an idiot later in life.  If your other parent is a first class loser, let your children find out on their own and just be there for them. Also never assume you know all the facts going on in your ex's life.  They are an ex for a reason and your probably aren't involved in all the information.

5. If you have a parent (dad or mom) that wants to be involved in the kids life, unless there is a damn good reason let them be.  No offense women, you have a dad that is willing to pay child support and willing to split custody and WANTS to spend time with their child(ren) why would you not let them?  All that will cause if for your child later in life to realize that it is you that wouldn't let them go see their dad.  Vice verse for Dad's with a mom (Though it's not nearly as common).  

6. If you keep popping kids out and you can't afford or handle the ones you currently have, NO SYMPATHY! Get over yourselves.  There are families out there that want children and can afford them, but can't have them.  Here you are, 1,2,5,10 children later, living (not assisted) off the state and you can't figure out what causes it.  USE A DAMN CONDOM OR GET SOME BIRTH CONTROL!   Better yet get FIXED!  After we had our 2nd child we decided Daniel would get fixed.  Well the money was never there and I didn't know you could get help through the health clinic if you qualified for it.  We decided that our income tax of 2011 would be used to make that happen.  Well the big man upstairs decided that we weren't done and blessed us with our youngest two, the twins.  Let me tell you something at 5 months pregnant Daniel went and snip snip we weren't having any more children.  But I'd rather be safe than sorry so I went and had myself done also.  If we get pregnant now there better a star in the sky and three wise men with lots of gold headed my way.  NOW.... that being said, we currently have a friend who went in and did the same thing I did and hers didn't take.  That is a different situation.  I get some religions don't believe in Birth control of any type, well than understand that I hope the state stops helping you.  I know that may be cruel, but up until our 2nd child I worked 40-60 hours a week and paid my taxes and did all that junk, I don't want to pay for you to sit on your butt because you have to many children and can't afford daycare now.  I don't care what age you are either.  If you can't afford or handle your current children, may you should think about getting fixed.  Just saying.

7. Now to all you people that LIVE OFF OUR SYSTEM (if it isn't a valid reason) I'd like to smack the hell out of you!  The system is there to help people.  Now partially I blame the government because they've let it get this far.  But mostly I blame the people that are to damn lazy to work.  Please understand that we have/do and might have to again in the near future get food stamps and WIC and medicaid for the kids.  But remember Daniel works 50-90 hours a week and we are still in need of assistance. There is the difference.  I hope that they go to drug testing.  I think it would do a lot of good.  90% of the work force has to pee in a cup to get a job, than we should have to pee in a cup to get the assistance.  It should be completely random and it should be done while on assistance too.  Just because you passed the one at application, doesn't mean anything.  They should randomly call you and say you need to be here by 2pm today and if you don't show we suspend your assistance.  Hello if you aren't working than you should be able to find your way up there to do this.  Hello it's called a bus if you have no car.  

8. I hate election years and especially this year.  MY PERSONAL OPINION we are damned either way.  I haven't decided if I'm gonna vote or not.  I understand we have had many many men and women who have died to give me that right, but I also have the right to not vote.  If I don't vote, THAN I HAVE NO RIGHT TO BITCH LATER! That goes for anyone. If you don't vote, don't bitch!  If you are unable to vote because you are a felon still your fault don't bitch!  

9. I have my own religious beliefs and the Big Man Upstairs and I talk on a pretty good basis.  Just because I do not see something the same way you do doesn't mean I am wrong.  Everyone comes away with what the Big Man wants them too.  We could each read a Bible verse and God could work in 2 different ways to explain it to us, depending on what we have going on in our lives.  Personally I think there is ONE GOD up there and everyone just worships him in different ways.  If you don't believe in him at all, remember you still believe in that and that's something.  I've heard two things lately that made me pause and I hope they make you pause too...
      A. If your right and I'm wrong than I just believed something whole heartily and no harm no fowl.  But, if I'm right and your wrong you burn in what ever eternal hell will happen.  
      B. To fight the whole if you can't see, touch or smell it, it isn't real.  Can you touch your brain?  Can you see your brain (machine seen doesn't count)? Can you smell it?  Truthfully can you feel it?  NO you can't.  So does that mean it's not there?  Family members that are overseas fighting for our country that we can't see, touch, sometimes hear... are they not real than?  Food for thought.  I'm not gonna get to much into this. 

Just remember the Bible was written by man and while God is perfect Man is not.  So who is to say that some of these things weren't written by a man on the rag having a bad week?  Or the "Devil" had a hand on him.  Lead a good life, help others and believe and personally I think you'll be fine.  By a good life I don't mean perfect. 

10. I try not to judge anyone without hearing their side first, but when all you do is moan and complain and whine about the WOE IS ME AND MY LIFE, I just don't have sympathy any more.  If you aren't going to get off your butt and do something about it, don't complain about it.  

Now that I have probably pissed some people off and made others wonder if they truly want to remain friends I'm going to close with this.  If you are my friend than I want you to and I love each and everyone of you, but that doesn't mean I agree with all your bullshit and it doesn't mean I wont say things you aren't going to like.  Remember I AM NOT PERFECT!  I have done my fair share of things that I probably shouldn't have.  But we learn from our mistakes.  Sometimes it just takes more than one mistake.  My blog may not be perfect and there are probably spelling errors and the wording might not be right, but there it is.  

Be blessed all my friends and family in whatever you may do.