The Darkness

 I have less then a month and Daniel will be gone for a whole year.  I still fucking miss Daniel every GOD DAMN DAY.  There are days I wake up and I have no clue how in the fuck I’m gonna make it through the day without his silent support and then I realize that I still have that silent support.  He’s just not right next to me to tell me these things.  I can’t allow myself to drown in my sorrow.  Even if I didn’t have my children I still have people who love me and would miss me if I let myself go down that path.  So it’s not an option.  Over the course of the last year I have felt more guilt in my life than I ever have.  I’ve had to take a close look at myself and realize that yes my faults may have indeed helped Daniel in his decision, but that it was his decision.  Instead of talking to someone, anyone, instead of leaving us, getting a divorce, THAT MAN BELIEVED that putting a bullet through his head was gonna make everything alright.  I know everyone that ever knew Daniel has a small piece of guilt, but mine was, and if truth be told some days still does,  consume me.   I was the last adult to have any interaction with him and I had no clue he was drowning.  I lived with him.  Talked to him ever FUCKING DAY and had no clue anything!  I don’t think anyone has a fathom of what I have been going through.  And everyone wants to know how you are doing, but then when you give a real answer sometimes you just get this glazed over look on their faces like they didn’t really want to hear it.  The amount of guilt I swallow every DAMN Day to not let it consume me, is so utterly exhausting.  I push it down to the very bottom of my soul and put on a FUCKING happy face and continue on.  When you lose someone of natural cause, you have this thought/guilt of why not me?  Why them?  Why did you take my mom, daughter, son, father, husband, parent, sister, friend, family member.  But when someone who has pledge to be by side through sickness and health, promises to be there to help raise your kids, to sit on the front porch when we are old and watch our great grandchildren run around.  Who says that you are the best thing other than our children to come into their lives.  To promise to love you until the end of time and is your Dom, your rock, the rod in your backbone and they decide that EATING A FUCKING BULLET is better than being with you and the life you have created does something to a person you can never get back.  There is a piece of your heart, soul, very being that is dark and quiet and oh so empty.  When you have a bad day, the one person that knew exactly that you needed a hot shower, a cup of juice, your soft blanket and your favorite stuffie and to just be held is no longer there….. There are days I feel like I’m on a single piece of wood floating in the middle of the ocean and I fall off and the water swallows me as I sink to the bottom and the darkness closes in on me.   Then out of the blue someone calls me, texts me, stops by, brushes their hand across my shoulder and plays with my hair and I remember that I can’t let it consume me.  Please understand I’ve never in my life thought of killing myself and it has not crossed my mind in the days since Daniel deserted us (YES THAT’S HOW I FEEL SOME DAYS and today is one), but DAMN!  People can understand sorrow and loss, but until the person you loved with all your heart and soul was your soul mate and completed all those empty pieces in you, chooses death over you PLEASE DO NOT tell me you understand how I feel.  

Daniel and I struggled for years.  Yes we choose to have kids, but one doesn’t realize how hard the struggle is until it happens.  We robbed Peter to pay Paul, skipped past Mary and ran the hell away from Mark for more than 8 years of our marriage.  We ate ramen for days on end because we made too much for state assistance but not enough to live right.  There were days Daniel wouldn’t eat at all and I’d only eat once just to make sure everyone else ate.  We were never on time with any of our bills.  I pawned my necklace and ring my dad gave me at 13, every year and at tax season would get it back, just to pawn it again.  I sold my engagement ring back to my mom because we needed the money.  So  when last year we finally had a light at the end of the tunnel, I thought this was it.  Daniel had just gotten a raise, all the bills were current, we were planning the first vacation we’d have ever taken will all the younger 4 kids.  We were making it.  Then the carpet got ripped out from underneath me.  I didn’t know how we were going to do anything.  Pay the bills, put food on the table.  I hadn’t worked a full time job since 2009.  I was a stay at home mom.  I had doctors, sports and the house (yes I know I wasn’t the best housekeeper).  There were times when there just was no money.  But my kids had love, a roof over their heads and food in their bellies.  So now almost a year later I feel like me again.  I feel like I did when Daniel and I first got together and I had hope in my eyes and I know everything will be alright.  The boys and I will come out on top.  I feel good about myself for the first time in probably 20 years.  I still have a ways to go, but I’m doing it.  I have Faith I can do it.  I feel pretty and free.  I feel like I can accomplish things I let go of years ago that I would never accomplish.  

But on the flip side, more than half my Ohana is struggling and I feel so damn guilty for being happy.  For finally being in a place that I don’t feel like I’m in quicksand.  I have land, and am paying on a brand new mobile home.  I have a new car and I’m getting tattoos, and I have a little money in my pocket.  But there are more days than I can count, that I feel like I can’t say that to anyone because I know they are struggling and I don’t want them to feel like I’m shoving it in their faces.  Hell I’d give my shirt off my back and anything I have to help, but some just won't ask and I just don’t know what to do.  

I think I’ve cried enough tonight and bared my soul in more ways than one recently.   This isn’t meant to make anyone feel guilty, but just remember when you ask how I’m doing if I tell you I am good, I probably am.  No I probably won’t tell you when I feel like I’m drowning, but I will tell you when I’m not okay.  But I will be.  I will be very much like the phoenix and rise from the ashes of this tragedy and overcome it.  I love you all very much and thank you for your support and love. 

One of those days

  ***I'm very raw emotionally today and most of it has nothing to do with my late husband. So, this will probably have a shit ton of swearing in it. I am also revealing parts of myself that some of you may not have known and may never want to know about me. I feel compelled to write this. I have for many, many, months, but now it's eating me up inside*** 

 

    Have you ever had one of those days? You are doing so good considering everything going on in your life, but then it's like "Nope! You haven't had an utter and complete melt down in almost a week, let’s see what we can throw at you to make you break." Today has just been one reminder after another of things from 24 years ago to present day. Things that 90% of the time I can go, not today. But today it's just one after another and I'm tired today. I'm not okay and I really just wanna say FUCK YOU to everyone and hide in my room under the covers. I can't do that and those that know me know I won’t do that, but damn. Can I have a vacation from being mentally mind fucked by emotions?  

    Growing up, I had a normal middle class family life. Mom and dad worked, I had a roof over my head, food in my belly and clothes on my body. I had friends and family and for the most part life was great. Then puberty hit and high school and I met some of the most wonderful people in the world there, that being said, I wouldn't say it was the best years of my life and I wouldn't want to go back to that time for anything. Are there things I wish I had the courage to do? Oh, hell yeah. There are also things I wish I'd never done. I don't regret because I wouldn't be where I am today if it weren’t for the past. The thing about the past is it should stay there, yes, but you should also grow from it. You should realize the things that made you happy (without hurting yourself or others.... Unless you are into BDSM of course) and the things that made you sad. Then you grow the fuck up. Please, don't take this as me putting down anyone that deals with depression, anxiety, or any of the other million things that goes on during puberty and some into adulthood. This is 99% about myself and things I did and why today sucked.  

    So, lets back up a little bit.  Most people remember their first crush, their first kiss and their first time. Well, I look back and I remember having a couple of different kinds of firsts. My first crush was a boy much older than me in my neighborhood. He taught me how to skateboard and to this day I can remember his name. In fact, I can remember the names of all my first, but no I'm not sharing them in here. My first kiss on the lips was at eight years old, hiding in a closest so the adults couldn't find us, seeing how long we could keep our lips pushed together. My first French kiss I was ten or eleven, and it was with a girl I was friends with. We were just gonna practice so we could kiss boys. (Yes, I know now how cliché that is). But it felt just as good as kissing that boy at eight did. I had no clue at that time what the hell gay, straight or whatever was. I French kissed my first boy at twelve at my 6th grade graduation party and every around me made a huge deal out of it. In fact, there is photo proof of it somewhere. Middle school there was kissing, some over and under the clothes groping and one under the shorts kind. All of that was with boys, but I can remember my first girl crush clear as day. I was twelve years old, and, in my eyes, she was & still is, one of the most beautiful people I had ever seen. But I didn't know what to do with that, so I pushed it away and focused on what I thought was who I was supposed to like, Boys. Now understand, no one told me liking girls was wrong, but no one told me liking girls was okay. So middle school is done, I then move from the north to the south, where I know absolutely no one.  

    At this point in time in my life I know I'm forever going to be short, there is no fighting it.  *Deep Sigh* I'm not what you would call fat, but I'm not the skinny girl on the block either. I have glasses and I wear my hair different than everyone down here. I have my own style which was the baggier the better. I was fourteen years old with almost a D cup breast, and I didn't want anyone seeing that. I was a nerd with big boobs. I got made fun of and picked on those first couple of weeks. It was hard. My parents had me take summer school so I could get to know people, but all I met was Seniors. So, there was no one my age that I could talk to. For the first and only time in my life I was an Introvert. I've always been outgoing, loud, and friendly. Let me tell you though, Southern girls are a different bred and are harsh if you aren't in their "clique". I sat in our common area most lunches reading a 1000-page book.  All that is just to give you some background. High school wasn't anything special for me. After that first little bit I didn't get picked on and I had a wonderful group of friends. I am still friends to this day with quite a few of them. I did lose my V card at way too earlier of an age in my opinion. I was 14 and it was neither painless nor any fun. Please remember I said in my opinion, everyone is different. I had a couple of boyfriends throughout HS but nothing to write home about. I made more friends that way.  LOL. Yes, there were girls I thought were downright sexy as shit in school, but I again I suppressed it. Not because I was told I had too, but because I wasn't comfortable with it. I didn't know how to handle all these feelings so in my mind I didn't need them. Begone feelings. From fourteen to seventeen I didn't do anything sexual other than some make out session and mild groping. 

    Between my Sophomore and Junior year, I had a breast reduction. I was almost a double F cup at 16. Like everything else in life this is when I started to have massive insecurities. I was probably 20 to 30 pounds heavier than all my other female friends; I was shorter than all of them, (I'd gotten contacts by then and only wore my glasses occasionally), in my opinion I was not as pretty as them and I sure as hell didn't count myself as sexy. I couldn't keep a boyfriend to save my life. It usually ended up the same, I was one of the guys and we were better off friends. That's what I get for being a tomboy. Very rarely would you catch me in make up or a skirt/dress. I was a jeans and a t-shirt kinda gal.  

    In my junior year I met a guy (not a boy because he was older than me by two years I think) and he just made me tingle all over, but I did nothing because he had a girlfriend, and she was my friend. Even back then I didn't do anything to mess around like that. It wasn't cool then and for me it still isn't.  My senior year rolls around I watch him every chance I get, and I am the most annoying brat I think I can be. (I completely realize now, what that was.) But since I knew that was never going to go anywhere (one because he had a girlfriend and two there was no way a college guy like him would go for a girl like me.... remember insecurities) I pushed it from my mind. I met a boy who was in the same grade as me and man did we hit it off. We had just enough alike to have something in common, but different enough to keep it interesting. He would later be what my parents and friends would call my black hole. We graduated and he went into the military. Truthfully looking back, we should have broken up then, but I was an eighteen-year-old girl "in love".  What came next was 4 of the most painful years of my life.  This person didn't hurt me physically, but we both abused each other emotionally. I wouldn't realize this until I was almost 40.  I did everything to make him feel bad because of my own insecurities and because of that he lashed out with the verbal name calling. I gave up all of my dreams because I wanted to be with him. Please, please understand, He never asked me to do this for him/us, it was a black hole of my own making. We have both talked to each other years later and we've made peace with what happened. I still love him dearly (not IN LOVE with him) and I hope the best for him and his family.  

    Because of my feelings, an opportunity arose for me to move across the country. I packed my little car up and off I went. I promised myself on the drive that I was going to become a better person and I needed to change who I was. (Again, insecurities) So I went from using my initials as my name to using my first name. I didn't talk about all the geeky things I liked. I hid the fact that I loved to color and watch cartoons and anime. *Sigh* While I was there, I met my ex-husband. This is one of those situations where I never should have married him. I think I still would have had my first child without us being married, but it doesn't matter now. I'm not going to get into a lot of what happened between him and I, but once my son was born and I had removed his bio from our apartment, I realized that I needed more help than I was going to get 3000 miles away. Plus, I was going to be kicked out of our apartment. So, I did the only thing a daughter, new mom could do, I called home for help & a rescue.  

    My parents are fabulous, because they dropped everything, drove 48 hours straight, packed up their truck and my Explorer with only my son’s stuff and some of my things and away we went. Back home, the place I had run away from two years earlier to get away from my self-induced black hole. But it was the greatest thing I could have done for him & I. I had help, friends, family but most important to me, familiarity. I knew everything was going to be okay. One day, after my son is an adult, I might tell him everything, but until then let’s just say I was so very lost. All my insecurities that I had worked so hard to get rid of were back tenfold plus some. I believed at that point in my life I wasn't worthy of love, that I was going to be a statistic and live off the government for the rest of life. I was worthless.  I also experienced sex with a girl for the first time. I knew then that I was at least bisexual because it was great. It was with a very dear friend, and we were each other’s firsts. We both agreed that if it were with us and either of needed to stop there would be no hard feelings. Here we are fourteen years later, and we are still friends. It is something special that she and I share.  This went hand and hand with my first threesome. Which made me realize there was something different about myself in the sexual & love relationships. That I wasn't sure if what society consider a normal would be what made me happy. But I digress. At my lowest point I thought of asking my mother to adopt my son, but then I looked at my son and knew I'd never be able to give him up. That was the point I knew I needed to turn my life around and start making something for myself and him. I think we'd been back home at this point almost two years. I'd lived with friends at one point, and they were such a godsend and enablers all at the same time. I did things I am not very proud of (no not drugs) but I do not regret. I was living with my parents when I decided it was time for me to grow up. I managed to get on the waiting list for subsidized housing and within six months my son & I were in a 2-bedroom apartment, I had a new car & a really decent job.  

    This was in 2006 and I was twenty-six years old. I also re-met the man who became the love of my life, but that's not really for this story. I'll touch briefly on it and then continue with the rest of my rant/story. I had not yet divorced from my first husband because truthfully, I was lazy and never really wanted to marry again. But being married was hindering me, getting us help with certain things government. So, I started the divorce process. For me getting rid of my soon to be ex-husbands name was a must. I knew my son would carry it for as long as he wanted to carry it, but for me personally I wanted nothing to do with it. I never knew how difficult somethings would be because he and I had two different last names. I don't think I would change my decision, but it would have made things easier on both my son and me. In 2007, my late husband and I started "dating". In truth, it was supposed to just be a hook up for some good sex and a place for him to stay for a while. When we started our arrangement, he told me that he would not stay in a monogamous relationship. That if that were what I wanted he would leave. I thought about it, (remember he wasn't supposed to stay long, we were going to be sex buddies) and said yeah okay, whatever. For a whole year neither of us acted on that and somewhere along the way I fell in love. He swore he wasn't the in-love type of person; he'd been hurt too many times before. I honestly believed our time was soon to be up and he would move on because I was not very good at hiding my feelings. I've gotten a little better, but people can still see everything on my face. Probably six months into dating my late husband, I met a man who would become one of our greatest friends. I talked to my late husband and said I think I wanted to use our Open relationship. He said okay, whatever. You can do whatever you want, you just have to tell me if you have sex. So, we sat down and made rules, a bunch of rules. Some for him, some for me and some for both of us. That night many rules were broken from all sides, and I was pretty sure this was the end. During our discussion of what happened that night I blurted out that it wasn't like we were in love anyways. He replied with, "Yes, I do love you." and floored me to a point I couldn't speak, heck I couldn't breathe. After many long nights of talking, he and I decided we would keep our relationship just like it had always been. Please understand this was before our Ohana, before we started gathering "strays" and making a home, a family. 

    Relationships of any type are hard. No one will argue that, having an open relationship though is so very much harder. We agreed that night that our rules would be steadfast, and no one was to come between us. We would talk and discuss everything before either one did anything. For thirteen years this was how we worked. It was never easy, but no relationship/marriage is. Every couple faces uphill and downhill battles. It's how you come through them together that glues the marriage together. Trust, communication & love is what we started it on. I'm not going to lie, there are many people reading this now and are shaking their heads, are disgusted, or just don't understand it. I may very well lose friends over this, but if they can't accept me for me, well I obviously don't need them in my life. I will also never try to pull anyone into to how I live my life. It's just that my life. Most of you have known he and I our whole relationship and never had a clue. There is a handful of people that have known, and it wasn't because we trusted them more, it is because they sort of lead the same kind of life. Again, I got sidetracked.  As we began to grow, we both learned more things about ourselves. I learned that I was polyamorous as well as bisexual. He learned he was more of a Care Giver type of lover. We both learned the about the world of BDSM (more on that later). Over the years we each had lovers and some we had together, but at the end of the day it was him & I. We talked about every encounter and thought we had. I could send him a message and say, "Baby I am looking at someone so sexy." His reply would be, "Male or female? Pic?" I don't care what anyone says we loved each other. We just had a very unconventional way of life. We loved each other and we made a family. We brought together a group of people who may not have ever known each other. Some people may call us deviants, but we never hurt anyone. We stayed true to our rules and each other. Now if you do not know what polyamorous means, well: Polyamorous: characterized by or involved in the practice of engaging in multiple romantic (and typically sexual) relationships, with the consent of all the people involved. He used to tell me that I had so much love in me that it was unfair to keep it to himself. He himself was not really Poly nor was he bisexual. In our years together there was only one that considered ours. Though there was no same-sex sex involved. He did love this person just as much as I did. The relationship was good for all of us.  

    Being the way we were helped us teach our children and the children in the Ohana that everyone is different and to accept them for who they are. We don't judge your race, religion, sexual identity or orientation or how much money you make. We judge on your character. My late husband and I may have lived our life the way we did, but our children were taken care of, there was a roof over our head, food in our bellies and we helped those who needed help. When he took his life, he didn't just take his, he took such a big part of who I was, what the Ohana was, and who his children were growing up to be. Our biggest rule has always been (and I will still continue it) No lies, no bullshit. Open and honest is the key to any relationship, whether it be friends, lovers, siblings, parents.  Honesty is the best policy. We hid such a major part of our lives from people because of judgement, my fear of my oldest bio father taking him and his parents.  But at this point in my life, I'm not gonna live half-truths. I want to be who I am meant to be. Even if that means losing or offending some of you along the way. I'm tired of not being open and honest. I'm tired of lying to the people I care the most about. So, from today forward, no more. If anyone I consider a friend has a problem with any of this, with me.... the door is right there. Walk your happy ass right out of it. I will not hate you. In fact, I will more than likely forgive you. You will have your own opinions and I would be hypocritical to demand you accept mine, but I not accept yours. So please feel my love for you and know I will think of you often. Wonder how you and your family are doing. But if you have left, I will not force myself on anyone.  

    I sit here in front of my computer before those reading this on whatever day they read it and I will say:  I am a pansexual, polyamorous, am part of the BDSM community, geek, anime watcher, cartoon lover, obsessed with paper, Loungefly backpacks, pillows, any stuffed animal or blanket that is soft & playing cards, I talk too much, love too hard, I am loud and very much an extrovert, I am a Whovian & a Hufflepuff, as well as a Blood Elf Healer and Tauren Hunter, destroying and rebuilding Minecraft player, I love to get lost in a good story, I tend to get lost in my head and have wonderful adventures in there. I love to read & write gay erotic stories, my Ohana is the most important thing to me. But I am learning to love who I am; short, fat rolls, overweight, getting old, different hair color, tattooed & pierced. Once I love you, I will always love you, but does not mean I am in love with you. Even if we never talk again. I have friends and family from every walk of life and accept everyone. I am too forgiving per some people and believe everyone deserves a second chance, even if they have done me wrong or hurt me. Sometimes you just need to stop and listen to why they may have done what they did. I've gone from Pot is horrible to if that makes you happy and you are still a functional working adult, more power to you. At this moment in my life, I am taking prescribed appetite suppressants and depression medication. So, if you can't love all this about me, then I understand. I am not everyone's cup of tea, but I'm damn sure quite a few peoples shot of whiskey. I'll never play a part that I am not again.  

    If you made it this far, I applaud you for not just saying fuck this and stop reading. Thank you for those who are accepting of me.  'm sorry to see those go who cannot accept who I have always been even if you didn't know. Be at peace with yourself and your surroundings. Life is too short to be stuck in limbo, holding on to grudges and grief.  

 

***Please do not make comments or message me about anyone's name. I have left names out for a reason. This is also me opening up and making myself very vulnerable. But I feel better than I have in years. I will never ask anyone to join me in my life choices, but I will answer any respectable questions***

 

Time does not heal all wounds

    Good day to you all!  I hope life is treating you all as well is it can.  We are approaching the 1 year marker of Daniel's death.  I never would have thought this time last year that I would be where I am.  We are finally in the new house and let me tell you it's a breath of fresh air.  The totally encompassing, crushing weight that sat on my chest while living in that house was one of the worst feelings I've ever had.  To be in the house that just over a year before had become "ours" finally and hate ever single minute of it.   That house was supposed to be our forever home.  Yes it needed some work but when Daniel was alive it didn't seem like that much.  With his death, all the things that were "little" were actually huge.  I have the worlds best support system, but even with them there was no way we'd be able to fix everything that needed to be fixed with out breaking the bank.  So I made a choice and I do not regret it.  I wish things could have been different.  I wish we could have stayed in the house Daniel was determined for us to stay in.  But wishes wont help me or the children sleep better at night.  

    I know I've touched briefly on the subject of grief, but I never in my whole life understood it.  I feel stupid for all the times I thoughtless said I get what your feeling, cause no.  No I did not.  And unless you're me, you don't understand MY grief.  You may understand grief, but not what I'm going through.  Even if your other half did the same thing our griefs would be similar in nature, but we would not understand exactly what the other person is going through.  These are things people don't talk about.  We need to stop telling people to suck it up.  We need to stop telling people how long they should grieve.  

    Grief is something extremely personal I have realized.  For months after Daniel's death when someone would ask, "Are you okay?", I would say yes.  I never thought I would hate a question more than, "But why mommy?" until this.  Let me give a small piece of advice, when someone is going through grief, depression, PTSD, truthfully anything remotely painful stop asking them if they are okay.  Cause more than likely they are gonna say yes, even if the pain/emptiness/horror is tearing them apart.  A friend of mine has lost both of her parents within 6 months of each other and I try to ask questions like, "Is today a good day?"  or "How are you doing today?".  Personally I want to start carrying around one of those stupid doctors pain papers.  You know the one where they ask "What is your pain level on a scale of this really happy face to this face full of pain." 

    For me, my grief (at present day) rolls with how my day is going, what the kids are doing, if I found something in the million boxes that we have just finished unpacking that I wasn't expecting.  Understand, deep emotional grief never goes away.  People always say, "Time heals all wounds" and yes I was one of those people.  But let me tell you something.  Time doesn't do shit for wounds.  IT NEVER GOES AWAY.  You either learn to live with it & understand it.  Or you let it consume you.  Even in the darkest part of my grief I knew I couldn't let it consume me.  I have people who depend on me.  I have a whole Ohana that Daniel and I built together that need me.  (Well at least I'd like to think so). I dealt with my grief as I do with every change I don't like.  I let it fester like an infected wound for a couple of days because I don't want to go to the doctor and then I swallow my internal debate and do what I need to do.  

    For the first couple of months I truly felt lost & alone in a room full of my Ohana.  I have some of the greatest people in my life.  Ever person I have met in my life has had some impact on me.  Good, bad or Holy shit run for the hills.  But no one could could make me feel like I wasn't drowning in a 2 inch puddle of water.  For those that know me, know I am a very tactile person.  I always have been, but even the hugs that I knew I needed and indeed made me feel safe, couldn't stop the rampant amount of pain that coursed through every part of my being like being eaten alive by Scarabs.  Then one day a wonderful friend of my who lost her mom to cancer a few years ago, looked at me and said, "You do know it's okay to not be okay?  Even when taking care of business, you can not be okay."  I finally listened to what everyone was telling me all along, but for some reason on that day, with that person everything just clicked.  

    I am never going to be the same person I was on that morning.  I still rewind that morning in my head and nit pick every little piece to see I Missed something, anything that would have given me some clue.  Unfortunately it plays the same as it has ever time since that day.  Alarm goes off, dogs get put out, Daniel starts his coffee, went outside to smoke, comes in makes his coffee, takes it to the bedroom with him as he showers, he gets dressed in his work uniform, comes out and plays Clash of Clans with the Hobbits and I (it was close to the end of the month and we all wanted to the battle pass), gave us all a kiss on the forehead, yelled I Love you, started to walk out the door when I remembered the fucking trash.  The last thing I remembering telling him was "Trash! It's Wednesday morning."  Then he was gone.  When I said that it never goes away, I was being serious.  For me, I'm learning to live with it.  With time it's gotten softer, not all consuming, but still there in the back of my mind.  I will always wonder if there was something I could have done differently.  I know rationally that there was nothing I could have done.  Anyone who knows Daniel, knows he would of had back up plans and the end result would be the same.  

    But with my grief, in the most darkest time of my life, there is light.  Through this tragedy I feel I have grown closer with my children and some of my Ohana.  I have a Micro Mini that I have no clue what I would have done without during those first couple of months.  Even with her own pain, she is always there for me.  I have a beautifully, fiery, wonderful woman who was Daniel's friend, than my acquaintance, than my friend and now my Ohana.  She would and has defended me with a passion I didn't know she felt for me.  I have a daughter I truthfully thought didn't like me, who I now talk to on a weekly bases and I love it.  Does it take away my pain, no.  But it does help me deal with it.  It does help me to not be consumed by it.  

    The fact that in the 13 years we were together we were able to make an impact on even one persons life was awesome, but to have brought together such a diverse group of people and made them Ohana.  I am truly speechless.  With Daniel's death I didn't know if would keep some of those that started out as Daniel's friend.  It scared me.  I do not like thinking I am alone.  I LOVE my Ohana.  I wouldn't change any of them.  Sorry, I get side tracked easily.  My grief will always be there.  I wont put it in a box and close it away.  It's in a bottle in my mind with no lid on it.  I know there will be more moments where it will come forward and I'll have to deal with it.  But other than the day of his death all our big first holidays (Except for a couple of birthdays) without him have past. Does that mean the 1st year after his death will be easy.  Good Daleks no.  It will be like a scab that gets ripped off that you weren't prepared for.  Will I let most people see that, NOPE.  Just because I don't let you see me grieve doesn't mean that I'm not or that I wont be.  I will be the strength I know that will be needed that day and later after everyone has checked on us I will take a long hot shower and bawl my eyes out.    

    I guess what I wanted to do with this post was to make sure people understood that grieve never truly heals.  That is okay to not be okay and to tell people that.  

    That whatever you are going through in your life right now, there are people that care.  That even talking to a stranger can sometimes keep the darkness at bay.  And just because the darkness is there doesn't mean that people will jump into it.  Some people will sit on that ledge looking into the abyss their whole lives without ever having the thought of jumping in.  While others will struggle with holding on to that ledge and not letting go.  And even more will need the hands that hold them back to keep from swan diving into it and never looking back.  Don't take my happy face for not grieving.  Remember I have people who need to see me strong and steadfast.  Yes I have cried with and in front of most of, if not all of my children.  I want them especially my boys to know that it is okay to cry about this.  This was an enormous loss to all of us.  That it's okay to hurt and to not be okay.  But we need to take a train out of Daniel's head have our moment and than get back on the track.  Continue on because life sure as hell doesn't stop for you or your grief.  It will hold you back and consume you if you let it.  

    I think I've babbled enough in this and if you've actually read it to the end thank you.  

    To my Faolchu Ohana, I love you very much and am thankfully every day that you were brought into Daniel and I's life.  I hope that I can help our Ohana grow even more without him.  

    Please understand this is my feelings and take on it.  I am in no way saying how anyone grieves is incorrect or correct.  Everyone does that in a different way.  

Life without Daniel...........A Fresh start

Life without Daniel.  10-03-20

Not something I ever thought I would be writing about.  I thought we had many more years ahead of us.  I thought for sure we'd be in rocking chairs on the front porch sipping sweet tea, watching the grandkids and great grandkids running around.  The day he decided to put the gun to his head and pull the Trigger he took away all my dreams and hopes for the future I had.  He stole these moments from me.  He promised me forever.  Forever ended sooner then I was ready for.  

I am so unbelievable pissed off at him.  I love him more than anyone will ever understand, but at this moment I still hate him.  I want to punch him in the throat and tell him how very much he disappointed me.  He was the strongest man I've ever known.  He worked 3 jobs when he had to, just to provide for us.  He gave the shirt off his back if someone needed it.  He convinced me to let, two strangers (to me) stay in our house while they got back on their feet.  Yet he couldn't come to anyone of us that loved him to tell us that he really was too tired to go on.  Instead he ran.  He took away his pain, but left so much more for so many other people.  He truly didn't think of anything other than pulling that Trigger.  In the end He didn't think about the turmoil that he would be leaving the boys and I to wade through and figure out.  What it would mean that he took his own life.  I'm not the bread winner in this family, he was.  I was the homemaker.  I will now have to figure out the new me.  

Do we stay in this house that truthfully I wasn't sure we should have stayed in once the paperwork for the loan was figured out.  There are way to many memories and feelings in this house.  I asked Daniel time and time again before we signed the paperwork on this house if we were sure this is where we wanted.  Because he was so set on staying here, we did.  This house needs work.  Because we got screwed with the guy we did a Rent to Own with I have quite a bit of ceiling damage, wall damage and even floor damage where the roof leaked for 3 years.  So I now have the decision to make on if the bank wont work with me where will we go.  If there was insurance on the house and it pays it off do we stay here and fix it all, do we fix it and rent it, do we fix it and sell it.  There are so many decisions to be made, and the one person I want to talk to, is the person that put us in this position.  The choices I make wont just effect me, it effects the boys as well.  Decisions and more Decisions and non of them easy.  

3-4-21

I had to walk away from the blog portion above.  It was too hard to write.  It's still not easy, but there is so much in my heart and head I feel the need to put to words.  Even if no one reads this, I need to have it out of my head.  

It's been 6 months & 6 days almost to the exact moment that Daniel pulled the Trigger.  I am no longer pissed off, I am just disappointed and so very sad.  I'm not okay.  There is this huge gapping hole in my soul & heart were he is missing.  There has been so many times I've picked up the phone to text him or call him just to remember that he isn't there to share the joys and sorrows.  He was supposed to be the one to have "the talk" with the Hobbits, to teach them to drive, to work on their cars, to open doors for people, to take a person on their first date and how to behave like a gentleman.  For the boys to graduate, find their other halves and to start their families.  For the girls to finish having their families and for those families to have families.  To Watch all our children grow into the person they were destined to be.  To watch each other grow into the people we were destined to be.  

Six months ago I never in a million years would have thought I'd be without him.  Every single day is a struggle.  I've tried to sugar coat it, but I'm so tired of lying to everyone and saying I'm okay when I'm not.  Not really.  Every single day I wake up and go to bed thinking of him and what he missed that day.  What I may or may not have done differently if I just had his insight on any given situation.    When something goes wrong with one of the vehicles and I can't just call him and be like Fix it.  When I sit in my car and just bawl my eyes out because I hear the song he chose for me for the first time since his death.  How late at night when I take my shower, you can't tell the tears from the water running down my face because that is when we did most of our talking.  How I smile when Bug looks at me because with his head shaved he looks just like him.  Or when Peanut gets all excited about some model he wants to make that he saw on youtube.  Or how Runt has gotten taller though he's still shorter than the rest.  How Little Man made the decision that school and him just didn't work out, so in a matter of two weeks went to George Stone, He and Babin both got their High School diplomas and signed up for the Welding Progam.  How Lil Bit has started her own business.  How Monkey is this much closer to finishing her degree and how he pushes her every day (even without him here).  How Airee has given us our 10th grandchild.  How Wiggles if finally coming into who she is.  How we have 3 fabulous son in laws, 1 boyfriend in law.  LOL!  These are all things we were supposed to watch together.  But instead it's just me.  

I know everyone grieves differently but there are days I just wish to feel whole again.  I know eventually it will somewhat heal, but never go away.  It never gets easier.  People who say that lie.  Each day is a little less hard though.  At least for me that is.  I wish people would stop saying soon I'll be back to my old self.  Guess what?  I'm never going to be the same.  I will never be that same person I was six months ago.  I'm figuring out who I am still without him.  I've learned much about myself, but I still haven't figure out who I am and what I want to do.  

I watch all these people and these stupid Memes on facebook about relationships and I just shake my head and laugh at them.  A relationship is not 50/50, it's 100/100.  Each person gives 100% of themselves to the relationship.  They support each other when one is down, they hold the others hand when they need it.  They are their shoulder to cry on and their arms for love.  There is no just my money and your money.  They share money when one has none.  They live their lives together, but understand they are their own person and sometimes need to hang out with other people.  That living in each others pockets can cause more problems.  

I have also learned that I have no patience for people who say one thing and do something completely different.  When Daniel died everyone told us, if you need anything all you have to do is call.  I understand people have lives and that is why I don't call on most people often.  But don't tell me to count on you, then not come through when you say you are gonna come through for me, and than get mad because I WILL NOT Lean on you again.  I WILL NOT allow anyone in my house to get their hopes up just to be dashed.  I THANK EVERYONE who has helped us.  I love all of you and appreciate each of you, but I have to say a special thank you to a couple of people:  Monkey & RD, Mistress & R2, My Amazon Queen & Her Knight, My Boss in Chanclas with her Mini Me & My beautiful Seraphim. Without your amazing support, late night phone calls, random texts and letting me invade your homes I do not think I'd have gotten though as much as I have.  

No one wants to talk about what the survivors feel when something like this happens.  How the guilt starts to eat away at you.  Because how as his wife could I not have seen the clues?  How did I not know it had gotten so bad, he felt that this was his only option?  How because I didn't see the clues I have deprived so many people of such a wonderful man?  How because of me not seeing it, my children no longer have their father.  Because of me not seeing it, our littlest grandchildren and any in the future will only be able to know him through stories and how those stories ended with him taking his life.  Wondering what I could have done differently to make him want to stay?  Wondering why I wasn't good enough for him to continue with out life?  Wondering if all those years ago if he really wanted this family we started and the paths we walked?  Wondering what I could have done differently to make him know he could talk to me and what was going on in his head?  I think the younger ones don't have quite that thought process, but I know for a fact Little man often thinks about what he could have done differently.  If he'd just stayed home instead of hanging with his friends.  These are the thoughts I live with daily.  Not all of them filter through my head every day, but every day at least one of them does.  Yes I know that known of this was truly my fault, because in the end he's the one who drove to BFE, he's the one that waited until there was no one around and he's the one that put the gun to his head and pulled the Trigger.  He did that.  He left our house at 0630 and didn't kill himself until 1203.  That's 5 1/2 hours he thought about what he was going to do and in the end still took away such a big part of our lives with such a selfish act.  

So instead of asking, "How are you?"  maybe ask instead, how is today?  Are you having a good day?  Do you need 15 minutes to vent, cry on my shoulder?  Randomly surprise the person with a treat.  A coffee, a tea, their favorite candy bar or bag of chips.  A stuffed animal that made you think of them.  A hand delivered or even mailed card, just saying I'm thinking about you.  I personally have no suicidal thoughts, but my thoughts can get dark just like everyone else and sometimes, just sometimes a random nice thought or act of kindness changes my whole day.  I May not even realized how I've been acting or that my mind is clouded and I get his random text or facebook post, or phone call and it makes my whole day just that much brighter.  :D  

Hopefully by the end of the month we will be in our new home, with a fresh start.  We will never forget the Love of my Life, the dad of my children, the brother, the friend, the cousin, the nephew, the son, the ROCK in all our lives.  But each day it's a little easier to forgive him and let go.  He'll always live in my heart, my soul and in my mind but slowly the hurt will go away.  I never wanted this, I never wanted our children to go through this, but we will survive it.  He made all our lives better and even though the hurt that's what we will hold on to.  

I believe I've babbled enough for now, I love all of my Ohana, my family and my friends.