Good day to you all! I hope life is treating you all as well is it can. We are approaching the 1 year marker of Daniel's death. I never would have thought this time last year that I would be where I am. We are finally in the new house and let me tell you it's a breath of fresh air. The totally encompassing, crushing weight that sat on my chest while living in that house was one of the worst feelings I've ever had. To be in the house that just over a year before had become "ours" finally and hate ever single minute of it. That house was supposed to be our forever home. Yes it needed some work but when Daniel was alive it didn't seem like that much. With his death, all the things that were "little" were actually huge. I have the worlds best support system, but even with them there was no way we'd be able to fix everything that needed to be fixed with out breaking the bank. So I made a choice and I do not regret it. I wish things could have been different. I wish we could have stayed in the house Daniel was determined for us to stay in. But wishes wont help me or the children sleep better at night.
I know I've touched briefly on the subject of grief, but I never in my whole life understood it. I feel stupid for all the times I thoughtless said I get what your feeling, cause no. No I did not. And unless you're me, you don't understand MY grief. You may understand grief, but not what I'm going through. Even if your other half did the same thing our griefs would be similar in nature, but we would not understand exactly what the other person is going through. These are things people don't talk about. We need to stop telling people to suck it up. We need to stop telling people how long they should grieve.
Grief is something extremely personal I have realized. For months after Daniel's death when someone would ask, "Are you okay?", I would say yes. I never thought I would hate a question more than, "But why mommy?" until this. Let me give a small piece of advice, when someone is going through grief, depression, PTSD, truthfully anything remotely painful stop asking them if they are okay. Cause more than likely they are gonna say yes, even if the pain/emptiness/horror is tearing them apart. A friend of mine has lost both of her parents within 6 months of each other and I try to ask questions like, "Is today a good day?" or "How are you doing today?". Personally I want to start carrying around one of those stupid doctors pain papers. You know the one where they ask "What is your pain level on a scale of this really happy face to this face full of pain."
For me, my grief (at present day) rolls with how my day is going, what the kids are doing, if I found something in the million boxes that we have just finished unpacking that I wasn't expecting. Understand, deep emotional grief never goes away. People always say, "Time heals all wounds" and yes I was one of those people. But let me tell you something. Time doesn't do shit for wounds. IT NEVER GOES AWAY. You either learn to live with it & understand it. Or you let it consume you. Even in the darkest part of my grief I knew I couldn't let it consume me. I have people who depend on me. I have a whole Ohana that Daniel and I built together that need me. (Well at least I'd like to think so). I dealt with my grief as I do with every change I don't like. I let it fester like an infected wound for a couple of days because I don't want to go to the doctor and then I swallow my internal debate and do what I need to do.
For the first couple of months I truly felt lost & alone in a room full of my Ohana. I have some of the greatest people in my life. Ever person I have met in my life has had some impact on me. Good, bad or Holy shit run for the hills. But no one could could make me feel like I wasn't drowning in a 2 inch puddle of water. For those that know me, know I am a very tactile person. I always have been, but even the hugs that I knew I needed and indeed made me feel safe, couldn't stop the rampant amount of pain that coursed through every part of my being like being eaten alive by Scarabs. Then one day a wonderful friend of my who lost her mom to cancer a few years ago, looked at me and said, "You do know it's okay to not be okay? Even when taking care of business, you can not be okay." I finally listened to what everyone was telling me all along, but for some reason on that day, with that person everything just clicked.
I am never going to be the same person I was on that morning. I still rewind that morning in my head and nit pick every little piece to see I Missed something, anything that would have given me some clue. Unfortunately it plays the same as it has ever time since that day. Alarm goes off, dogs get put out, Daniel starts his coffee, went outside to smoke, comes in makes his coffee, takes it to the bedroom with him as he showers, he gets dressed in his work uniform, comes out and plays Clash of Clans with the Hobbits and I (it was close to the end of the month and we all wanted to the battle pass), gave us all a kiss on the forehead, yelled I Love you, started to walk out the door when I remembered the fucking trash. The last thing I remembering telling him was "Trash! It's Wednesday morning." Then he was gone. When I said that it never goes away, I was being serious. For me, I'm learning to live with it. With time it's gotten softer, not all consuming, but still there in the back of my mind. I will always wonder if there was something I could have done differently. I know rationally that there was nothing I could have done. Anyone who knows Daniel, knows he would of had back up plans and the end result would be the same.
But with my grief, in the most darkest time of my life, there is light. Through this tragedy I feel I have grown closer with my children and some of my Ohana. I have a Micro Mini that I have no clue what I would have done without during those first couple of months. Even with her own pain, she is always there for me. I have a beautifully, fiery, wonderful woman who was Daniel's friend, than my acquaintance, than my friend and now my Ohana. She would and has defended me with a passion I didn't know she felt for me. I have a daughter I truthfully thought didn't like me, who I now talk to on a weekly bases and I love it. Does it take away my pain, no. But it does help me deal with it. It does help me to not be consumed by it.
The fact that in the 13 years we were together we were able to make an impact on even one persons life was awesome, but to have brought together such a diverse group of people and made them Ohana. I am truly speechless. With Daniel's death I didn't know if would keep some of those that started out as Daniel's friend. It scared me. I do not like thinking I am alone. I LOVE my Ohana. I wouldn't change any of them. Sorry, I get side tracked easily. My grief will always be there. I wont put it in a box and close it away. It's in a bottle in my mind with no lid on it. I know there will be more moments where it will come forward and I'll have to deal with it. But other than the day of his death all our big first holidays (Except for a couple of birthdays) without him have past. Does that mean the 1st year after his death will be easy. Good Daleks no. It will be like a scab that gets ripped off that you weren't prepared for. Will I let most people see that, NOPE. Just because I don't let you see me grieve doesn't mean that I'm not or that I wont be. I will be the strength I know that will be needed that day and later after everyone has checked on us I will take a long hot shower and bawl my eyes out.
I guess what I wanted to do with this post was to make sure people understood that grieve never truly heals. That is okay to not be okay and to tell people that.
That whatever you are going through in your life right now, there are people that care. That even talking to a stranger can sometimes keep the darkness at bay. And just because the darkness is there doesn't mean that people will jump into it. Some people will sit on that ledge looking into the abyss their whole lives without ever having the thought of jumping in. While others will struggle with holding on to that ledge and not letting go. And even more will need the hands that hold them back to keep from swan diving into it and never looking back. Don't take my happy face for not grieving. Remember I have people who need to see me strong and steadfast. Yes I have cried with and in front of most of, if not all of my children. I want them especially my boys to know that it is okay to cry about this. This was an enormous loss to all of us. That it's okay to hurt and to not be okay. But we need to take a train out of Daniel's head have our moment and than get back on the track. Continue on because life sure as hell doesn't stop for you or your grief. It will hold you back and consume you if you let it.
I think I've babbled enough in this and if you've actually read it to the end thank you.
To my Faolchu Ohana, I love you very much and am thankfully every day that you were brought into Daniel and I's life. I hope that I can help our Ohana grow even more without him.
Please understand this is my feelings and take on it. I am in no way saying how anyone grieves is incorrect or correct. Everyone does that in a different way.
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