One of those days

  ***I'm very raw emotionally today and most of it has nothing to do with my late husband. So, this will probably have a shit ton of swearing in it. I am also revealing parts of myself that some of you may not have known and may never want to know about me. I feel compelled to write this. I have for many, many, months, but now it's eating me up inside*** 

 

    Have you ever had one of those days? You are doing so good considering everything going on in your life, but then it's like "Nope! You haven't had an utter and complete melt down in almost a week, let’s see what we can throw at you to make you break." Today has just been one reminder after another of things from 24 years ago to present day. Things that 90% of the time I can go, not today. But today it's just one after another and I'm tired today. I'm not okay and I really just wanna say FUCK YOU to everyone and hide in my room under the covers. I can't do that and those that know me know I won’t do that, but damn. Can I have a vacation from being mentally mind fucked by emotions?  

    Growing up, I had a normal middle class family life. Mom and dad worked, I had a roof over my head, food in my belly and clothes on my body. I had friends and family and for the most part life was great. Then puberty hit and high school and I met some of the most wonderful people in the world there, that being said, I wouldn't say it was the best years of my life and I wouldn't want to go back to that time for anything. Are there things I wish I had the courage to do? Oh, hell yeah. There are also things I wish I'd never done. I don't regret because I wouldn't be where I am today if it weren’t for the past. The thing about the past is it should stay there, yes, but you should also grow from it. You should realize the things that made you happy (without hurting yourself or others.... Unless you are into BDSM of course) and the things that made you sad. Then you grow the fuck up. Please, don't take this as me putting down anyone that deals with depression, anxiety, or any of the other million things that goes on during puberty and some into adulthood. This is 99% about myself and things I did and why today sucked.  

    So, lets back up a little bit.  Most people remember their first crush, their first kiss and their first time. Well, I look back and I remember having a couple of different kinds of firsts. My first crush was a boy much older than me in my neighborhood. He taught me how to skateboard and to this day I can remember his name. In fact, I can remember the names of all my first, but no I'm not sharing them in here. My first kiss on the lips was at eight years old, hiding in a closest so the adults couldn't find us, seeing how long we could keep our lips pushed together. My first French kiss I was ten or eleven, and it was with a girl I was friends with. We were just gonna practice so we could kiss boys. (Yes, I know now how cliché that is). But it felt just as good as kissing that boy at eight did. I had no clue at that time what the hell gay, straight or whatever was. I French kissed my first boy at twelve at my 6th grade graduation party and every around me made a huge deal out of it. In fact, there is photo proof of it somewhere. Middle school there was kissing, some over and under the clothes groping and one under the shorts kind. All of that was with boys, but I can remember my first girl crush clear as day. I was twelve years old, and, in my eyes, she was & still is, one of the most beautiful people I had ever seen. But I didn't know what to do with that, so I pushed it away and focused on what I thought was who I was supposed to like, Boys. Now understand, no one told me liking girls was wrong, but no one told me liking girls was okay. So middle school is done, I then move from the north to the south, where I know absolutely no one.  

    At this point in time in my life I know I'm forever going to be short, there is no fighting it.  *Deep Sigh* I'm not what you would call fat, but I'm not the skinny girl on the block either. I have glasses and I wear my hair different than everyone down here. I have my own style which was the baggier the better. I was fourteen years old with almost a D cup breast, and I didn't want anyone seeing that. I was a nerd with big boobs. I got made fun of and picked on those first couple of weeks. It was hard. My parents had me take summer school so I could get to know people, but all I met was Seniors. So, there was no one my age that I could talk to. For the first and only time in my life I was an Introvert. I've always been outgoing, loud, and friendly. Let me tell you though, Southern girls are a different bred and are harsh if you aren't in their "clique". I sat in our common area most lunches reading a 1000-page book.  All that is just to give you some background. High school wasn't anything special for me. After that first little bit I didn't get picked on and I had a wonderful group of friends. I am still friends to this day with quite a few of them. I did lose my V card at way too earlier of an age in my opinion. I was 14 and it was neither painless nor any fun. Please remember I said in my opinion, everyone is different. I had a couple of boyfriends throughout HS but nothing to write home about. I made more friends that way.  LOL. Yes, there were girls I thought were downright sexy as shit in school, but I again I suppressed it. Not because I was told I had too, but because I wasn't comfortable with it. I didn't know how to handle all these feelings so in my mind I didn't need them. Begone feelings. From fourteen to seventeen I didn't do anything sexual other than some make out session and mild groping. 

    Between my Sophomore and Junior year, I had a breast reduction. I was almost a double F cup at 16. Like everything else in life this is when I started to have massive insecurities. I was probably 20 to 30 pounds heavier than all my other female friends; I was shorter than all of them, (I'd gotten contacts by then and only wore my glasses occasionally), in my opinion I was not as pretty as them and I sure as hell didn't count myself as sexy. I couldn't keep a boyfriend to save my life. It usually ended up the same, I was one of the guys and we were better off friends. That's what I get for being a tomboy. Very rarely would you catch me in make up or a skirt/dress. I was a jeans and a t-shirt kinda gal.  

    In my junior year I met a guy (not a boy because he was older than me by two years I think) and he just made me tingle all over, but I did nothing because he had a girlfriend, and she was my friend. Even back then I didn't do anything to mess around like that. It wasn't cool then and for me it still isn't.  My senior year rolls around I watch him every chance I get, and I am the most annoying brat I think I can be. (I completely realize now, what that was.) But since I knew that was never going to go anywhere (one because he had a girlfriend and two there was no way a college guy like him would go for a girl like me.... remember insecurities) I pushed it from my mind. I met a boy who was in the same grade as me and man did we hit it off. We had just enough alike to have something in common, but different enough to keep it interesting. He would later be what my parents and friends would call my black hole. We graduated and he went into the military. Truthfully looking back, we should have broken up then, but I was an eighteen-year-old girl "in love".  What came next was 4 of the most painful years of my life.  This person didn't hurt me physically, but we both abused each other emotionally. I wouldn't realize this until I was almost 40.  I did everything to make him feel bad because of my own insecurities and because of that he lashed out with the verbal name calling. I gave up all of my dreams because I wanted to be with him. Please, please understand, He never asked me to do this for him/us, it was a black hole of my own making. We have both talked to each other years later and we've made peace with what happened. I still love him dearly (not IN LOVE with him) and I hope the best for him and his family.  

    Because of my feelings, an opportunity arose for me to move across the country. I packed my little car up and off I went. I promised myself on the drive that I was going to become a better person and I needed to change who I was. (Again, insecurities) So I went from using my initials as my name to using my first name. I didn't talk about all the geeky things I liked. I hid the fact that I loved to color and watch cartoons and anime. *Sigh* While I was there, I met my ex-husband. This is one of those situations where I never should have married him. I think I still would have had my first child without us being married, but it doesn't matter now. I'm not going to get into a lot of what happened between him and I, but once my son was born and I had removed his bio from our apartment, I realized that I needed more help than I was going to get 3000 miles away. Plus, I was going to be kicked out of our apartment. So, I did the only thing a daughter, new mom could do, I called home for help & a rescue.  

    My parents are fabulous, because they dropped everything, drove 48 hours straight, packed up their truck and my Explorer with only my son’s stuff and some of my things and away we went. Back home, the place I had run away from two years earlier to get away from my self-induced black hole. But it was the greatest thing I could have done for him & I. I had help, friends, family but most important to me, familiarity. I knew everything was going to be okay. One day, after my son is an adult, I might tell him everything, but until then let’s just say I was so very lost. All my insecurities that I had worked so hard to get rid of were back tenfold plus some. I believed at that point in my life I wasn't worthy of love, that I was going to be a statistic and live off the government for the rest of life. I was worthless.  I also experienced sex with a girl for the first time. I knew then that I was at least bisexual because it was great. It was with a very dear friend, and we were each other’s firsts. We both agreed that if it were with us and either of needed to stop there would be no hard feelings. Here we are fourteen years later, and we are still friends. It is something special that she and I share.  This went hand and hand with my first threesome. Which made me realize there was something different about myself in the sexual & love relationships. That I wasn't sure if what society consider a normal would be what made me happy. But I digress. At my lowest point I thought of asking my mother to adopt my son, but then I looked at my son and knew I'd never be able to give him up. That was the point I knew I needed to turn my life around and start making something for myself and him. I think we'd been back home at this point almost two years. I'd lived with friends at one point, and they were such a godsend and enablers all at the same time. I did things I am not very proud of (no not drugs) but I do not regret. I was living with my parents when I decided it was time for me to grow up. I managed to get on the waiting list for subsidized housing and within six months my son & I were in a 2-bedroom apartment, I had a new car & a really decent job.  

    This was in 2006 and I was twenty-six years old. I also re-met the man who became the love of my life, but that's not really for this story. I'll touch briefly on it and then continue with the rest of my rant/story. I had not yet divorced from my first husband because truthfully, I was lazy and never really wanted to marry again. But being married was hindering me, getting us help with certain things government. So, I started the divorce process. For me getting rid of my soon to be ex-husbands name was a must. I knew my son would carry it for as long as he wanted to carry it, but for me personally I wanted nothing to do with it. I never knew how difficult somethings would be because he and I had two different last names. I don't think I would change my decision, but it would have made things easier on both my son and me. In 2007, my late husband and I started "dating". In truth, it was supposed to just be a hook up for some good sex and a place for him to stay for a while. When we started our arrangement, he told me that he would not stay in a monogamous relationship. That if that were what I wanted he would leave. I thought about it, (remember he wasn't supposed to stay long, we were going to be sex buddies) and said yeah okay, whatever. For a whole year neither of us acted on that and somewhere along the way I fell in love. He swore he wasn't the in-love type of person; he'd been hurt too many times before. I honestly believed our time was soon to be up and he would move on because I was not very good at hiding my feelings. I've gotten a little better, but people can still see everything on my face. Probably six months into dating my late husband, I met a man who would become one of our greatest friends. I talked to my late husband and said I think I wanted to use our Open relationship. He said okay, whatever. You can do whatever you want, you just have to tell me if you have sex. So, we sat down and made rules, a bunch of rules. Some for him, some for me and some for both of us. That night many rules were broken from all sides, and I was pretty sure this was the end. During our discussion of what happened that night I blurted out that it wasn't like we were in love anyways. He replied with, "Yes, I do love you." and floored me to a point I couldn't speak, heck I couldn't breathe. After many long nights of talking, he and I decided we would keep our relationship just like it had always been. Please understand this was before our Ohana, before we started gathering "strays" and making a home, a family. 

    Relationships of any type are hard. No one will argue that, having an open relationship though is so very much harder. We agreed that night that our rules would be steadfast, and no one was to come between us. We would talk and discuss everything before either one did anything. For thirteen years this was how we worked. It was never easy, but no relationship/marriage is. Every couple faces uphill and downhill battles. It's how you come through them together that glues the marriage together. Trust, communication & love is what we started it on. I'm not going to lie, there are many people reading this now and are shaking their heads, are disgusted, or just don't understand it. I may very well lose friends over this, but if they can't accept me for me, well I obviously don't need them in my life. I will also never try to pull anyone into to how I live my life. It's just that my life. Most of you have known he and I our whole relationship and never had a clue. There is a handful of people that have known, and it wasn't because we trusted them more, it is because they sort of lead the same kind of life. Again, I got sidetracked.  As we began to grow, we both learned more things about ourselves. I learned that I was polyamorous as well as bisexual. He learned he was more of a Care Giver type of lover. We both learned the about the world of BDSM (more on that later). Over the years we each had lovers and some we had together, but at the end of the day it was him & I. We talked about every encounter and thought we had. I could send him a message and say, "Baby I am looking at someone so sexy." His reply would be, "Male or female? Pic?" I don't care what anyone says we loved each other. We just had a very unconventional way of life. We loved each other and we made a family. We brought together a group of people who may not have ever known each other. Some people may call us deviants, but we never hurt anyone. We stayed true to our rules and each other. Now if you do not know what polyamorous means, well: Polyamorous: characterized by or involved in the practice of engaging in multiple romantic (and typically sexual) relationships, with the consent of all the people involved. He used to tell me that I had so much love in me that it was unfair to keep it to himself. He himself was not really Poly nor was he bisexual. In our years together there was only one that considered ours. Though there was no same-sex sex involved. He did love this person just as much as I did. The relationship was good for all of us.  

    Being the way we were helped us teach our children and the children in the Ohana that everyone is different and to accept them for who they are. We don't judge your race, religion, sexual identity or orientation or how much money you make. We judge on your character. My late husband and I may have lived our life the way we did, but our children were taken care of, there was a roof over our head, food in our bellies and we helped those who needed help. When he took his life, he didn't just take his, he took such a big part of who I was, what the Ohana was, and who his children were growing up to be. Our biggest rule has always been (and I will still continue it) No lies, no bullshit. Open and honest is the key to any relationship, whether it be friends, lovers, siblings, parents.  Honesty is the best policy. We hid such a major part of our lives from people because of judgement, my fear of my oldest bio father taking him and his parents.  But at this point in my life, I'm not gonna live half-truths. I want to be who I am meant to be. Even if that means losing or offending some of you along the way. I'm tired of not being open and honest. I'm tired of lying to the people I care the most about. So, from today forward, no more. If anyone I consider a friend has a problem with any of this, with me.... the door is right there. Walk your happy ass right out of it. I will not hate you. In fact, I will more than likely forgive you. You will have your own opinions and I would be hypocritical to demand you accept mine, but I not accept yours. So please feel my love for you and know I will think of you often. Wonder how you and your family are doing. But if you have left, I will not force myself on anyone.  

    I sit here in front of my computer before those reading this on whatever day they read it and I will say:  I am a pansexual, polyamorous, am part of the BDSM community, geek, anime watcher, cartoon lover, obsessed with paper, Loungefly backpacks, pillows, any stuffed animal or blanket that is soft & playing cards, I talk too much, love too hard, I am loud and very much an extrovert, I am a Whovian & a Hufflepuff, as well as a Blood Elf Healer and Tauren Hunter, destroying and rebuilding Minecraft player, I love to get lost in a good story, I tend to get lost in my head and have wonderful adventures in there. I love to read & write gay erotic stories, my Ohana is the most important thing to me. But I am learning to love who I am; short, fat rolls, overweight, getting old, different hair color, tattooed & pierced. Once I love you, I will always love you, but does not mean I am in love with you. Even if we never talk again. I have friends and family from every walk of life and accept everyone. I am too forgiving per some people and believe everyone deserves a second chance, even if they have done me wrong or hurt me. Sometimes you just need to stop and listen to why they may have done what they did. I've gone from Pot is horrible to if that makes you happy and you are still a functional working adult, more power to you. At this moment in my life, I am taking prescribed appetite suppressants and depression medication. So, if you can't love all this about me, then I understand. I am not everyone's cup of tea, but I'm damn sure quite a few peoples shot of whiskey. I'll never play a part that I am not again.  

    If you made it this far, I applaud you for not just saying fuck this and stop reading. Thank you for those who are accepting of me.  'm sorry to see those go who cannot accept who I have always been even if you didn't know. Be at peace with yourself and your surroundings. Life is too short to be stuck in limbo, holding on to grudges and grief.  

 

***Please do not make comments or message me about anyone's name. I have left names out for a reason. This is also me opening up and making myself very vulnerable. But I feel better than I have in years. I will never ask anyone to join me in my life choices, but I will answer any respectable questions***