The Darkness

 I have less then a month and Daniel will be gone for a whole year.  I still fucking miss Daniel every GOD DAMN DAY.  There are days I wake up and I have no clue how in the fuck I’m gonna make it through the day without his silent support and then I realize that I still have that silent support.  He’s just not right next to me to tell me these things.  I can’t allow myself to drown in my sorrow.  Even if I didn’t have my children I still have people who love me and would miss me if I let myself go down that path.  So it’s not an option.  Over the course of the last year I have felt more guilt in my life than I ever have.  I’ve had to take a close look at myself and realize that yes my faults may have indeed helped Daniel in his decision, but that it was his decision.  Instead of talking to someone, anyone, instead of leaving us, getting a divorce, THAT MAN BELIEVED that putting a bullet through his head was gonna make everything alright.  I know everyone that ever knew Daniel has a small piece of guilt, but mine was, and if truth be told some days still does,  consume me.   I was the last adult to have any interaction with him and I had no clue he was drowning.  I lived with him.  Talked to him ever FUCKING DAY and had no clue anything!  I don’t think anyone has a fathom of what I have been going through.  And everyone wants to know how you are doing, but then when you give a real answer sometimes you just get this glazed over look on their faces like they didn’t really want to hear it.  The amount of guilt I swallow every DAMN Day to not let it consume me, is so utterly exhausting.  I push it down to the very bottom of my soul and put on a FUCKING happy face and continue on.  When you lose someone of natural cause, you have this thought/guilt of why not me?  Why them?  Why did you take my mom, daughter, son, father, husband, parent, sister, friend, family member.  But when someone who has pledge to be by side through sickness and health, promises to be there to help raise your kids, to sit on the front porch when we are old and watch our great grandchildren run around.  Who says that you are the best thing other than our children to come into their lives.  To promise to love you until the end of time and is your Dom, your rock, the rod in your backbone and they decide that EATING A FUCKING BULLET is better than being with you and the life you have created does something to a person you can never get back.  There is a piece of your heart, soul, very being that is dark and quiet and oh so empty.  When you have a bad day, the one person that knew exactly that you needed a hot shower, a cup of juice, your soft blanket and your favorite stuffie and to just be held is no longer there….. There are days I feel like I’m on a single piece of wood floating in the middle of the ocean and I fall off and the water swallows me as I sink to the bottom and the darkness closes in on me.   Then out of the blue someone calls me, texts me, stops by, brushes their hand across my shoulder and plays with my hair and I remember that I can’t let it consume me.  Please understand I’ve never in my life thought of killing myself and it has not crossed my mind in the days since Daniel deserted us (YES THAT’S HOW I FEEL SOME DAYS and today is one), but DAMN!  People can understand sorrow and loss, but until the person you loved with all your heart and soul was your soul mate and completed all those empty pieces in you, chooses death over you PLEASE DO NOT tell me you understand how I feel.  

Daniel and I struggled for years.  Yes we choose to have kids, but one doesn’t realize how hard the struggle is until it happens.  We robbed Peter to pay Paul, skipped past Mary and ran the hell away from Mark for more than 8 years of our marriage.  We ate ramen for days on end because we made too much for state assistance but not enough to live right.  There were days Daniel wouldn’t eat at all and I’d only eat once just to make sure everyone else ate.  We were never on time with any of our bills.  I pawned my necklace and ring my dad gave me at 13, every year and at tax season would get it back, just to pawn it again.  I sold my engagement ring back to my mom because we needed the money.  So  when last year we finally had a light at the end of the tunnel, I thought this was it.  Daniel had just gotten a raise, all the bills were current, we were planning the first vacation we’d have ever taken will all the younger 4 kids.  We were making it.  Then the carpet got ripped out from underneath me.  I didn’t know how we were going to do anything.  Pay the bills, put food on the table.  I hadn’t worked a full time job since 2009.  I was a stay at home mom.  I had doctors, sports and the house (yes I know I wasn’t the best housekeeper).  There were times when there just was no money.  But my kids had love, a roof over their heads and food in their bellies.  So now almost a year later I feel like me again.  I feel like I did when Daniel and I first got together and I had hope in my eyes and I know everything will be alright.  The boys and I will come out on top.  I feel good about myself for the first time in probably 20 years.  I still have a ways to go, but I’m doing it.  I have Faith I can do it.  I feel pretty and free.  I feel like I can accomplish things I let go of years ago that I would never accomplish.  

But on the flip side, more than half my Ohana is struggling and I feel so damn guilty for being happy.  For finally being in a place that I don’t feel like I’m in quicksand.  I have land, and am paying on a brand new mobile home.  I have a new car and I’m getting tattoos, and I have a little money in my pocket.  But there are more days than I can count, that I feel like I can’t say that to anyone because I know they are struggling and I don’t want them to feel like I’m shoving it in their faces.  Hell I’d give my shirt off my back and anything I have to help, but some just won't ask and I just don’t know what to do.  

I think I’ve cried enough tonight and bared my soul in more ways than one recently.   This isn’t meant to make anyone feel guilty, but just remember when you ask how I’m doing if I tell you I am good, I probably am.  No I probably won’t tell you when I feel like I’m drowning, but I will tell you when I’m not okay.  But I will be.  I will be very much like the phoenix and rise from the ashes of this tragedy and overcome it.  I love you all very much and thank you for your support and love.