Time does not heal all wounds

    Good day to you all!  I hope life is treating you all as well is it can.  We are approaching the 1 year marker of Daniel's death.  I never would have thought this time last year that I would be where I am.  We are finally in the new house and let me tell you it's a breath of fresh air.  The totally encompassing, crushing weight that sat on my chest while living in that house was one of the worst feelings I've ever had.  To be in the house that just over a year before had become "ours" finally and hate ever single minute of it.   That house was supposed to be our forever home.  Yes it needed some work but when Daniel was alive it didn't seem like that much.  With his death, all the things that were "little" were actually huge.  I have the worlds best support system, but even with them there was no way we'd be able to fix everything that needed to be fixed with out breaking the bank.  So I made a choice and I do not regret it.  I wish things could have been different.  I wish we could have stayed in the house Daniel was determined for us to stay in.  But wishes wont help me or the children sleep better at night.  

    I know I've touched briefly on the subject of grief, but I never in my whole life understood it.  I feel stupid for all the times I thoughtless said I get what your feeling, cause no.  No I did not.  And unless you're me, you don't understand MY grief.  You may understand grief, but not what I'm going through.  Even if your other half did the same thing our griefs would be similar in nature, but we would not understand exactly what the other person is going through.  These are things people don't talk about.  We need to stop telling people to suck it up.  We need to stop telling people how long they should grieve.  

    Grief is something extremely personal I have realized.  For months after Daniel's death when someone would ask, "Are you okay?", I would say yes.  I never thought I would hate a question more than, "But why mommy?" until this.  Let me give a small piece of advice, when someone is going through grief, depression, PTSD, truthfully anything remotely painful stop asking them if they are okay.  Cause more than likely they are gonna say yes, even if the pain/emptiness/horror is tearing them apart.  A friend of mine has lost both of her parents within 6 months of each other and I try to ask questions like, "Is today a good day?"  or "How are you doing today?".  Personally I want to start carrying around one of those stupid doctors pain papers.  You know the one where they ask "What is your pain level on a scale of this really happy face to this face full of pain." 

    For me, my grief (at present day) rolls with how my day is going, what the kids are doing, if I found something in the million boxes that we have just finished unpacking that I wasn't expecting.  Understand, deep emotional grief never goes away.  People always say, "Time heals all wounds" and yes I was one of those people.  But let me tell you something.  Time doesn't do shit for wounds.  IT NEVER GOES AWAY.  You either learn to live with it & understand it.  Or you let it consume you.  Even in the darkest part of my grief I knew I couldn't let it consume me.  I have people who depend on me.  I have a whole Ohana that Daniel and I built together that need me.  (Well at least I'd like to think so). I dealt with my grief as I do with every change I don't like.  I let it fester like an infected wound for a couple of days because I don't want to go to the doctor and then I swallow my internal debate and do what I need to do.  

    For the first couple of months I truly felt lost & alone in a room full of my Ohana.  I have some of the greatest people in my life.  Ever person I have met in my life has had some impact on me.  Good, bad or Holy shit run for the hills.  But no one could could make me feel like I wasn't drowning in a 2 inch puddle of water.  For those that know me, know I am a very tactile person.  I always have been, but even the hugs that I knew I needed and indeed made me feel safe, couldn't stop the rampant amount of pain that coursed through every part of my being like being eaten alive by Scarabs.  Then one day a wonderful friend of my who lost her mom to cancer a few years ago, looked at me and said, "You do know it's okay to not be okay?  Even when taking care of business, you can not be okay."  I finally listened to what everyone was telling me all along, but for some reason on that day, with that person everything just clicked.  

    I am never going to be the same person I was on that morning.  I still rewind that morning in my head and nit pick every little piece to see I Missed something, anything that would have given me some clue.  Unfortunately it plays the same as it has ever time since that day.  Alarm goes off, dogs get put out, Daniel starts his coffee, went outside to smoke, comes in makes his coffee, takes it to the bedroom with him as he showers, he gets dressed in his work uniform, comes out and plays Clash of Clans with the Hobbits and I (it was close to the end of the month and we all wanted to the battle pass), gave us all a kiss on the forehead, yelled I Love you, started to walk out the door when I remembered the fucking trash.  The last thing I remembering telling him was "Trash! It's Wednesday morning."  Then he was gone.  When I said that it never goes away, I was being serious.  For me, I'm learning to live with it.  With time it's gotten softer, not all consuming, but still there in the back of my mind.  I will always wonder if there was something I could have done differently.  I know rationally that there was nothing I could have done.  Anyone who knows Daniel, knows he would of had back up plans and the end result would be the same.  

    But with my grief, in the most darkest time of my life, there is light.  Through this tragedy I feel I have grown closer with my children and some of my Ohana.  I have a Micro Mini that I have no clue what I would have done without during those first couple of months.  Even with her own pain, she is always there for me.  I have a beautifully, fiery, wonderful woman who was Daniel's friend, than my acquaintance, than my friend and now my Ohana.  She would and has defended me with a passion I didn't know she felt for me.  I have a daughter I truthfully thought didn't like me, who I now talk to on a weekly bases and I love it.  Does it take away my pain, no.  But it does help me deal with it.  It does help me to not be consumed by it.  

    The fact that in the 13 years we were together we were able to make an impact on even one persons life was awesome, but to have brought together such a diverse group of people and made them Ohana.  I am truly speechless.  With Daniel's death I didn't know if would keep some of those that started out as Daniel's friend.  It scared me.  I do not like thinking I am alone.  I LOVE my Ohana.  I wouldn't change any of them.  Sorry, I get side tracked easily.  My grief will always be there.  I wont put it in a box and close it away.  It's in a bottle in my mind with no lid on it.  I know there will be more moments where it will come forward and I'll have to deal with it.  But other than the day of his death all our big first holidays (Except for a couple of birthdays) without him have past. Does that mean the 1st year after his death will be easy.  Good Daleks no.  It will be like a scab that gets ripped off that you weren't prepared for.  Will I let most people see that, NOPE.  Just because I don't let you see me grieve doesn't mean that I'm not or that I wont be.  I will be the strength I know that will be needed that day and later after everyone has checked on us I will take a long hot shower and bawl my eyes out.    

    I guess what I wanted to do with this post was to make sure people understood that grieve never truly heals.  That is okay to not be okay and to tell people that.  

    That whatever you are going through in your life right now, there are people that care.  That even talking to a stranger can sometimes keep the darkness at bay.  And just because the darkness is there doesn't mean that people will jump into it.  Some people will sit on that ledge looking into the abyss their whole lives without ever having the thought of jumping in.  While others will struggle with holding on to that ledge and not letting go.  And even more will need the hands that hold them back to keep from swan diving into it and never looking back.  Don't take my happy face for not grieving.  Remember I have people who need to see me strong and steadfast.  Yes I have cried with and in front of most of, if not all of my children.  I want them especially my boys to know that it is okay to cry about this.  This was an enormous loss to all of us.  That it's okay to hurt and to not be okay.  But we need to take a train out of Daniel's head have our moment and than get back on the track.  Continue on because life sure as hell doesn't stop for you or your grief.  It will hold you back and consume you if you let it.  

    I think I've babbled enough in this and if you've actually read it to the end thank you.  

    To my Faolchu Ohana, I love you very much and am thankfully every day that you were brought into Daniel and I's life.  I hope that I can help our Ohana grow even more without him.  

    Please understand this is my feelings and take on it.  I am in no way saying how anyone grieves is incorrect or correct.  Everyone does that in a different way.  

Life without Daniel...........A Fresh start

Life without Daniel.  10-03-20

Not something I ever thought I would be writing about.  I thought we had many more years ahead of us.  I thought for sure we'd be in rocking chairs on the front porch sipping sweet tea, watching the grandkids and great grandkids running around.  The day he decided to put the gun to his head and pull the Trigger he took away all my dreams and hopes for the future I had.  He stole these moments from me.  He promised me forever.  Forever ended sooner then I was ready for.  

I am so unbelievable pissed off at him.  I love him more than anyone will ever understand, but at this moment I still hate him.  I want to punch him in the throat and tell him how very much he disappointed me.  He was the strongest man I've ever known.  He worked 3 jobs when he had to, just to provide for us.  He gave the shirt off his back if someone needed it.  He convinced me to let, two strangers (to me) stay in our house while they got back on their feet.  Yet he couldn't come to anyone of us that loved him to tell us that he really was too tired to go on.  Instead he ran.  He took away his pain, but left so much more for so many other people.  He truly didn't think of anything other than pulling that Trigger.  In the end He didn't think about the turmoil that he would be leaving the boys and I to wade through and figure out.  What it would mean that he took his own life.  I'm not the bread winner in this family, he was.  I was the homemaker.  I will now have to figure out the new me.  

Do we stay in this house that truthfully I wasn't sure we should have stayed in once the paperwork for the loan was figured out.  There are way to many memories and feelings in this house.  I asked Daniel time and time again before we signed the paperwork on this house if we were sure this is where we wanted.  Because he was so set on staying here, we did.  This house needs work.  Because we got screwed with the guy we did a Rent to Own with I have quite a bit of ceiling damage, wall damage and even floor damage where the roof leaked for 3 years.  So I now have the decision to make on if the bank wont work with me where will we go.  If there was insurance on the house and it pays it off do we stay here and fix it all, do we fix it and rent it, do we fix it and sell it.  There are so many decisions to be made, and the one person I want to talk to, is the person that put us in this position.  The choices I make wont just effect me, it effects the boys as well.  Decisions and more Decisions and non of them easy.  

3-4-21

I had to walk away from the blog portion above.  It was too hard to write.  It's still not easy, but there is so much in my heart and head I feel the need to put to words.  Even if no one reads this, I need to have it out of my head.  

It's been 6 months & 6 days almost to the exact moment that Daniel pulled the Trigger.  I am no longer pissed off, I am just disappointed and so very sad.  I'm not okay.  There is this huge gapping hole in my soul & heart were he is missing.  There has been so many times I've picked up the phone to text him or call him just to remember that he isn't there to share the joys and sorrows.  He was supposed to be the one to have "the talk" with the Hobbits, to teach them to drive, to work on their cars, to open doors for people, to take a person on their first date and how to behave like a gentleman.  For the boys to graduate, find their other halves and to start their families.  For the girls to finish having their families and for those families to have families.  To Watch all our children grow into the person they were destined to be.  To watch each other grow into the people we were destined to be.  

Six months ago I never in a million years would have thought I'd be without him.  Every single day is a struggle.  I've tried to sugar coat it, but I'm so tired of lying to everyone and saying I'm okay when I'm not.  Not really.  Every single day I wake up and go to bed thinking of him and what he missed that day.  What I may or may not have done differently if I just had his insight on any given situation.    When something goes wrong with one of the vehicles and I can't just call him and be like Fix it.  When I sit in my car and just bawl my eyes out because I hear the song he chose for me for the first time since his death.  How late at night when I take my shower, you can't tell the tears from the water running down my face because that is when we did most of our talking.  How I smile when Bug looks at me because with his head shaved he looks just like him.  Or when Peanut gets all excited about some model he wants to make that he saw on youtube.  Or how Runt has gotten taller though he's still shorter than the rest.  How Little Man made the decision that school and him just didn't work out, so in a matter of two weeks went to George Stone, He and Babin both got their High School diplomas and signed up for the Welding Progam.  How Lil Bit has started her own business.  How Monkey is this much closer to finishing her degree and how he pushes her every day (even without him here).  How Airee has given us our 10th grandchild.  How Wiggles if finally coming into who she is.  How we have 3 fabulous son in laws, 1 boyfriend in law.  LOL!  These are all things we were supposed to watch together.  But instead it's just me.  

I know everyone grieves differently but there are days I just wish to feel whole again.  I know eventually it will somewhat heal, but never go away.  It never gets easier.  People who say that lie.  Each day is a little less hard though.  At least for me that is.  I wish people would stop saying soon I'll be back to my old self.  Guess what?  I'm never going to be the same.  I will never be that same person I was six months ago.  I'm figuring out who I am still without him.  I've learned much about myself, but I still haven't figure out who I am and what I want to do.  

I watch all these people and these stupid Memes on facebook about relationships and I just shake my head and laugh at them.  A relationship is not 50/50, it's 100/100.  Each person gives 100% of themselves to the relationship.  They support each other when one is down, they hold the others hand when they need it.  They are their shoulder to cry on and their arms for love.  There is no just my money and your money.  They share money when one has none.  They live their lives together, but understand they are their own person and sometimes need to hang out with other people.  That living in each others pockets can cause more problems.  

I have also learned that I have no patience for people who say one thing and do something completely different.  When Daniel died everyone told us, if you need anything all you have to do is call.  I understand people have lives and that is why I don't call on most people often.  But don't tell me to count on you, then not come through when you say you are gonna come through for me, and than get mad because I WILL NOT Lean on you again.  I WILL NOT allow anyone in my house to get their hopes up just to be dashed.  I THANK EVERYONE who has helped us.  I love all of you and appreciate each of you, but I have to say a special thank you to a couple of people:  Monkey & RD, Mistress & R2, My Amazon Queen & Her Knight, My Boss in Chanclas with her Mini Me & My beautiful Seraphim. Without your amazing support, late night phone calls, random texts and letting me invade your homes I do not think I'd have gotten though as much as I have.  

No one wants to talk about what the survivors feel when something like this happens.  How the guilt starts to eat away at you.  Because how as his wife could I not have seen the clues?  How did I not know it had gotten so bad, he felt that this was his only option?  How because I didn't see the clues I have deprived so many people of such a wonderful man?  How because of me not seeing it, my children no longer have their father.  Because of me not seeing it, our littlest grandchildren and any in the future will only be able to know him through stories and how those stories ended with him taking his life.  Wondering what I could have done differently to make him want to stay?  Wondering why I wasn't good enough for him to continue with out life?  Wondering if all those years ago if he really wanted this family we started and the paths we walked?  Wondering what I could have done differently to make him know he could talk to me and what was going on in his head?  I think the younger ones don't have quite that thought process, but I know for a fact Little man often thinks about what he could have done differently.  If he'd just stayed home instead of hanging with his friends.  These are the thoughts I live with daily.  Not all of them filter through my head every day, but every day at least one of them does.  Yes I know that known of this was truly my fault, because in the end he's the one who drove to BFE, he's the one that waited until there was no one around and he's the one that put the gun to his head and pulled the Trigger.  He did that.  He left our house at 0630 and didn't kill himself until 1203.  That's 5 1/2 hours he thought about what he was going to do and in the end still took away such a big part of our lives with such a selfish act.  

So instead of asking, "How are you?"  maybe ask instead, how is today?  Are you having a good day?  Do you need 15 minutes to vent, cry on my shoulder?  Randomly surprise the person with a treat.  A coffee, a tea, their favorite candy bar or bag of chips.  A stuffed animal that made you think of them.  A hand delivered or even mailed card, just saying I'm thinking about you.  I personally have no suicidal thoughts, but my thoughts can get dark just like everyone else and sometimes, just sometimes a random nice thought or act of kindness changes my whole day.  I May not even realized how I've been acting or that my mind is clouded and I get his random text or facebook post, or phone call and it makes my whole day just that much brighter.  :D  

Hopefully by the end of the month we will be in our new home, with a fresh start.  We will never forget the Love of my Life, the dad of my children, the brother, the friend, the cousin, the nephew, the son, the ROCK in all our lives.  But each day it's a little easier to forgive him and let go.  He'll always live in my heart, my soul and in my mind but slowly the hurt will go away.  I never wanted this, I never wanted our children to go through this, but we will survive it.  He made all our lives better and even though the hurt that's what we will hold on to.  

I believe I've babbled enough for now, I love all of my Ohana, my family and my friends.   

Ramblings thoughts

So I'm gonna start this blog with a little background incase I actually have someone new reading it.  At this time in my life I am a 40 year old, polyamorous, pansexual, widowed mother of 4 children by birth, 5 children by choice (5 Boys and 4 Girls.  That's 9 all together for those having trouble keeping up.) and 9 grandchildren with one on the way.  I have mixed grandchildren and white grandchildren.  I am an only child by birth, but I have a few who are my soul siblings.  One is my big Brother who is of color.  If you don't understand any of this please feel free to ask questions.  You don't know the answer until you ask.  

I will tell you right now I truly hate labels and I hate using the words BLACK AND WHITE to describe people.  I AM NOT WHITE!!!  My skin tone is more of a peach or possibly apricot.  Just like people we call black aren't all Black.  Most are some shade of brown.  I ALSO HATE that "white" people are the only ones who can't use the ancestry to describe themselves.  I hear people complain all the time about having to check the African American box, the Island Pacific Box, the Native American box.  I HATE checking the White box.  Most days I now check the other box and write in European American.  

If anything I have said pisses you of, that's your right.  Don't read my shit.  If anything I'm about to say pisses you of, Don't read my shit.  I have a horrible addiction to TikTok and one of my favorite creators on there says, Get Fucked and Stay Fucked if you don't like it.  The time for being polite is over, but I wont shove it in your face.  Make sense?  

Have you ever just had something stewing for years in the background of your mind?  Something you know needs to addressed and no one is doing it, but you aren't sure how.  You Speak.  One voice can turn into thousands.  But You need to do it the right way.  You don't shove it down peoples throats, you don't shove it in peoples faces.  You don't make the other side less important than what you are fighting for.  Does this make sense.  I'll give you a couple of examples so you can see what I'm saying before I get to the heart of this post.  You are in the LGBTQ+ family.  You want equal rights.  Honey I believe you should have them.  I think you should be able to marry whichever gender, non gender your little heart desires.  But that DOES NOT make a heterosexual marriage any less.  A lot (Not nearly enough) don't care that you walk down the street holding your other persons hand.  There will always be haters.  No matter how far in life we evolve, there is always going to be hate.  I wish I could be Jeannie or Samantha Darrin and slap my arms together or twitch my nose and make it all go away.  I can't, so I teach my children it's non of our business who anyone loves.  It's okay to be who you are.  It's not okay to shove it down someone's throat.  Example 2:  The man I call big brother is of Color.  I would fight for that man, just as I would for my grandchildren who are of mixed races.  Yes we as America needs to change.  But putting any one race above another race is not how to do it.  Riots are not going to make people change their minds about it!!!!  I don't care what race you are, if you riot you are a Fucking Idiot.  All you are doing is hurting yourself if you get caught and most of the time innocent businesses caught in the cross fire, some of which never return.  Taken a knee at the National Anthem doesn't do anything other than piss people off.  Yes they are talking about you taking a knee but not in a good way.  Not in a Positive way.  Our National Anthem is about AMERICANS.  Not the different races in America.  WE HAVE PEOPLE DYING to defend your right to take that knee.  Not just military (Don't get me started on that) but police, fire, emt's.  Our Front line defense both foreign and domestic.  Does that make sense to anyone else? 

So let us move on the reason I write this post!  WE HAVE TO START DOING BETTER FOR OUR SONS AND NOT JUST OUR DAUGHTERS.

ARE YOU FLIPPING LISTENING?  THERE IN THE BACK, CLEAN THE COBWEBS OUT OF YOUR HEAD. YOU CLEAN THE CRAP OUT BETWEEN YOUR EARS.  YOU LISTEN TO THESE WORDS THAT ARE COMING OUT OF MY MOUTH.... 

STOP teaching your children that it is NOT okay to abuse girls/women but it is okay to abuse boys/men.  Anyone teaching their sons to not a hit a woman is teaching them it's okay for the woman to abuse them, because boys/men are not allowed to hit girls/women back no matter what.  You are not allowed to defend yourself from abuse.  Yes statistically women are abused more then men are.  BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN IT DOESN'T HAPPEN THE OTHER WAY AROUND.  I want you to picture this:

Man and a woman are dating.  They are at one of their house or even living together at this point.  They start yelling at them, calling them names, they say they are sorry.  It evolves into pushing, they say are sorry. Pushing moves into hitting, again they say they are sorry.  All the while the person getting abused isn't defending themselves.  They take the abuse.  They can't touch the other person because they know if they do, they'll get into trouble.  

Now imagine that this is your brother, son, father, best friend.  He's been taught you don't hit a woman no matter what because than you aren't a man.  If you can't control your woman than you deserve to get beat.  Take it like a man.  Men don't cry.  So they let this woman hit them, call them names, take advantage of them.  All because they were raised to not hit a woman.  They can't even grab her to stop her because she may bruise from how hard he has to hold her to get the abuse to stop.  And if she bruises the tables are turned.  Even if the bruises on him are more, cause then she gave them to him defending herself.  We pat her on the back and we are proud of her because she stood up for herself.  But if your son/brother/bff/father were to do that he'd be ridiculed for allowing a woman to beat on him.  Asked, Your bigger than she is why didn't you walk away?  Because the minute he does she hits herself with something so now he is abusing her.  

Imagine your son/brother/bff/father is gay/trans/just likes to be pretty.  He gets attacked by a group of guys.  He's bigger than all these guys and defends himself doing more damage physically then they did.  He gets into trouble because most time.  

Lets move on to rape.  A girl/woman gets raped and we instantly believe her story.  You should never doubt the victim is what we are told.  We move heaven and earth to find her rapist.  But if a man gets raped by a woman, we ridicule him, tell him his lying there is no way he could be raped by a woman.  There is no way he could get hard if it was rape.  

Do we see at all where I am going with any of this.  We have to stop putting labels on people (MOST LABELS).  We have to start loving thy neighbor.  We live in a society where most people don't know who there neighbor is other than the color of their skin.  Or the Flag they have flying in their yard.  WE NEED TO START LOOKING PAST all that and to what kind of person they are.  Everyone makes mistakes no one is perfect.  

Okay I think I'm done with my rant or Soapbox if you will.

Be kind to someone today.  You never know whose life you might change.  

The day the music died

 Good Morning Everyone.  It's been a massive minute since I've done anything on my Blog and I feel like this is a homecoming.  I will be using it a lot more.  On Wednesday Aug 26, 2020 at roughly 1150 in the morning my husband of 10 year and other half for 13 years decided to take his own life.  He was the best of all of us.  Caring father of 8 wonderful kids, grandfather to 9, friend, brother, son, nephew, mentor, and someone all of us loved.  The last week and a half has been the roughest of my life and I know rougher water is still to come. 

You never think this is something that is going to happen to your family and let me tell you, it blindsided us all.  I will be writing more about the inner thoughts on this later.  I will tell you that the morning of was nothing out of the ordinary for us.  Lady Sylvanas woke us up at 0530 as she has been doing for over a week, My Loves first alarm went off at 0545 and I could hear him stretching in the bedroom.  0600 his second alarm goes off and he gets out of bed, does his bathroom business, comes into the kitchen and starts his coffee.  He walks outside while it percolates and smokes his cigarette.  Walks back inside grabs his first cup of coffee and heads back to the bedroom to get dressed for work.  Comes back out to the living room, puts his socks and shoes on heads to the kitchen for his 2nd cup of coffee.  Sits back down on the couch and flips through Facebook for a couple of minutes, before one of our twins asks for troops in COC.  He gets on COC and for the next 15 minutes maybe we are all working on our COC on our phones.  He stands up hugs all three of our younger children, walks down the hall and I hear him say something to our oldest son who hasn't crawled out of his hole yet.  Walks into the bedroom and I assume it for last minute double check that he has everything (this was not why he walked into the bedroom), comes back out and leans over me sitting on on the chair kisses my forehead, bops my nose says he loves me (I say I love you back) and walks to the door.  One of my biggest regrets will be that I love you wasn't my last words to him, but I stopped him at the door and did a normal couple thing.  "Hey love, it's Wednesday.  Trash day! There is meat in the trash please take it out."  He says sure and walks not only out the door but out of our lives forever.  

Thirty minutes later I bundle the Hobbits out the door, screaming at our Oldest to get up or he'll be late and drop them at school.  At roughly 0815 I receive a text that was meant to go to my husband from a co-worker of his asking why he quit.  I'm like, um this isn't who you are looking for it's his wife.  He's all like I'm so sorry, do you know what is going on?  I'm like no but I'll pass the message to him.  I immediately flipped over to our family tracking and it says he is still at the house but it hasn't updated since 1945 the night before.  I called his work, where I was informed by the store manager that my husband pulled up in front of his (the store manager) motorcycle and clipped his store keys to his bike and drove off.  

By this time you can imagine I am freaking out.  The store manager said he turned right out of the parking lot and maybe I should go check out another company that he had been talking about lately.  A friend and God Father to our twins works there, so I haul ass over there.  By the time I walk in I'm hyperventilating.  Our friends takes me outside and he starts trying to call my husband, but his phone is off.  I've called a couple of our close friends to see if anyone had heard from him.  NO ONE HAD.  About this time it's 0900 and I head back to our house to see if I can find anything that points to maybe where he had gone.  (Again there are things I'm not saying at the moment because I'm not ready to, not that I'm hiding anything.  When I work through it myself I'll probably blog again.)  I pull into our yard at the same moment another friends does and she calls to report him missing while I run into my house like a crazy woman.  I see that my gun is still where it's supposed to be and I look for his.  My heart stopped.  Not only is the gun missing, but where it's supposed to be is his phone.  Turned off and flipped upside down.  I screamed and dropped to the floor.  I knew in that moment I'd never see the love of my life again.  Our friend is in our yard screaming what happened.  I manage to pull myself up and head to the porch to tell her.  She gets off the phone and tells me the police are on their way.  

All I can do is stand there numb, unable to think of anything.  Our friend keeps telling me that I need to have hope and he'll be okay.  But I knew deep down that, that wasn't true.  He wouldn't have left his phone in that specific spot and he wouldn't have taken his gun with him. The police arrive and the guy is very nice.  My friend does 90% of the talking because I just can't.  He gives us the report number and says if we think of anything please let us know.  By this time our oldest son is home and standing with me.  Non of know what to do.  The police officer said we should stay here.  I've called more people then I can count and I'm sure their are other I could have called but remember I'm in a blind panic.  I manager to get ahold of a friend of his that he's known forever, long before I came into the picture) and they give us an old hangout spot.  I called the police and she says that the officer in charge of the case will call me right back or he's still in the area he'll stop by.  

Five minutes later the office pulls up. I don't even see that there are two other officers with him.  I walk closer to him to tell him about this place we've thought of.  He lets me tell him, and reaches for my elbow.  Before he can even finish the sentence, "Ma'am I need you to...." I'd hit the ground screaming.  It's the most devastating moment in my life.  As soon as I hit the ground I had booth our oldest son and his best friend (Who we consider ours, he's lived with us off and one for 3 years) in my arms crying just as hard as I am.  I know our oldest daughter stopped by at that moment to see if we heard anything, but I can honestly tell you the next 2 and half hours are a blur.  I remember crying and being held by friends.  I remember making phone calls and people telling me I didn't have to do that, but I needed to tell these people who were our friends and family.  

At roughly 1450 our Hobbits pulled up (a Friend picked them up from school) and I had to figure out how I was going to tell our Children that their father wasn't coming home.  My support system and I agree that for now we wouldn't tell my Hobbits (10 yrs old and 9 yr old twins) the complete truth.  I'm 40 years old and can't wrap my head around what was going on, how was I supposed to help our children understand.  One should never have to tell their young children that Daddy is never coming home.  

We will be starting therapy as a family in the coming weeks and I will be telling them the truth then with the help of the therapist.  I'm a writer and I needed to get this out.  Over the next little bit I'll be writing more and getting our story out there.  From the beginning to his death, and then on to what the children and I are doing.  

Thank you for reading my experience and remember to hold your family close and never forget to tell those that you love, that you love them.  Every day hug them and make sure they know your feelings.  

This is not proof read by anyone so there are mistakes.  

We are all Homosapiens

Okay so this was written on 08-27-15 and when I logged into this today for the first time in 5 years realized

I never published it. SO here it is.

I was at the store this morning (no I will not say which one, but it was not my normal Wal*mart) and something happened I feel the need to talk about and share with you.  No it was not a pretty thing, but ugly and mean.  I’m coming out of this store and I see the prettiest little girl standing about 3 cars before mine.  She’s about 3 years old if that bright red hair and the some type of candy all over her face.  Next I notice the couple getting another baby (infant seat) out of the car.  Now we are probably 20 cars or so down the isle and I’m probably half way to them when the little girl caught my eye.  As I’m passing the couple I nod and say what an adorable little girl they have, to which the little girl giggles and hides behind their legs.  Makes my morning.  What little adorable child giggling wont make a mothers day, even if it’s not their own child.

I get to my van, open the back to put the couple of bags I have in the back when I hear this woman screaming, “You Abomination!  You Devil’s Spawn!”  I stop and look around thinking they are talking to me.  Wouldn’t be the first time these terms have been used towards me, I’m sure will not be the last.  In this case though it’s being directed to the couple with the adorable little girl that just finished strapping the car seat into a stroller.   I’ll give you 3 guesses (and the first 2 do not count) why this crazy person is screaming at them.   Yup!  From what I can tell it is a Lesbian couple.  One is just more masculine and is dressed as a guy would, but you can tell they are both female.  Normally I’d just get in my van and let them handle themselves, but this woman is now standing right by them hurling insults and Biblical verses at them.  The adorable child is crying and doing her best to hid between their legs.  I can see both clinching their fists and I just see this not ending well for anyone.

The Lesbian couple (and I do apologize if I’m in correct and one or the other is trans, but off first glance this is what I saw) is trying to calm the little girl and has started to walk away from the screaming Banshee of a “Christian”.  But this woman will have non of that and is determined to follow them.   They Stop and turn around and ask if she going to follow them into the store. To which she says yes.  They turn around and head back to their car.  Now all of this has happened in less than probably 3 minutes.  They get back to their car and start strapping their kids in, turns the car on and shuts the door.

The Banshee is now screeching her insults at this couple.  They both look very embarrassed as it‘s started to gather attention.  Again we are probably at minute 5 from the time it started to now.  No one is doing anything and I can’t take it any more.

If you know me, you know I don’t do bullying and I sure as hell don’t do the shoving of one’s religion down someone’s throat.  I will be doing this in sort of a Dialog next so please bear with me.  So I step up to the group and clear my throat.

The Banshee stops and looks at me (I’m in a tank top that shows off the tattoo’s on my arms and shoulders and jeans) and says, “Are you a Lesbian devils spawn also?”

I take a deep breath and say, “Ma’am do you really believe screaming at these two is going to accomplish anything other than making you look bad?”

I don’t think she liked my question, because next she goes, “I am a Christian and it’s my duty to help these two understand the error of their ways.”  She is still screaming at the top of her lungs.

“Yes ma’am,” I say.  “I understand you believe you are a Christian.  But standing in a parking lot screaming at these two are not going to make them want to listen to you.  It is the Christian way to guide not through insults at them.  Screaming like a banshee will just piss people off and make them want to run over you.”

30 seconds of silence as this woman can’t believe what I just said.  As she starts to talk, I stop her and say,”  Let me give you an example of something.  You right now screaming your religion at the top of your lungs stating they will be going to hell, that their children will be going to hell, that they are an abomination and need to die (Yes one of her insults as this), you sound like the radical Islamic Religion that is killing Christians because it goes against their religion.”

Yes I just said that.  The Banshee became very red faced, truthfully I thought she was going to have a heart attack, opened and closed her mouth for a minute, looked at them then me and the crowd that had started to gather and huffed stated one more time we were going to Hell and walked away.

The couple looked at me, thanked me, shook my hand and got in their car and drove away.  I got in my Van drove to the gas station a couple blocks away and stopped.  Thought about what I had said to that lady and realized how true it is.

I know this is going to really piss some people off, but listen to me.  I.S.I.S. is killing Christians right now because it goes against their religion and they deserve to die.  That is what they are fighting for.  Christians that go Screaming and yelling, hurling insults and stating that the LGBT community, or Atheists, or anyone who isn’t a Christian is wrong and that they deserve to die and go to hell.  In my eyes you are doing the same thing I.S.I.S is doing without the murder.

Wake up world!  When are you going to realize we are all Homosapiens.  We all bleed the same damn color.

Equality

So I stayed quiet yesterday and I was gonna not say anything at all about this, but after seeing all the cheering (along with bashing Christians) and the bashing from so called Christians I feel I must address something on my feed.

I am all for Equality.  I believe everyone should be treated equal no matter what.  Your life style is your business.  As long as you aren't harming anyone (truly harming) then live your life how you see fit.  If you wanna have sex with your Goat by all means have fun, but don't expect me to join in or even be around when you do that.  But please respect my right to have my opinion.  The reason I feel the need to write this is because on both sides I've seen in the last 24 hours someone (more then one someone) state if you aren't with me your against me and that makes you the enemy.  These are the same people that were shouting not 48 hours ago that there shouldn't be a race card.  That everyone is equal.  So forgive me if I'm confused.  You are only for Equality if it fits your agenda?

1. We are the land of the right to choose whatever religion we want
2. We are the land to love who ever we want
3. We are the land of you can be whoever you wanna be as long as you work hard and put forth an effort.
4. We are the land of many opportunities.
5. We are the land of a bunch of Hypocrites
6. We are the land of If you don't believe in my Religion, Political Agenda then Fuck you.
7. We are the land of if you aren't my race, if you don't like the same sex I do then Fuck you.

Do you see where this is going?  All it takes is one Whisper to turn into a roar either good or bad.  All it takes is one bad thing to ruin a tremendous amount of good things.  But it takes a shit ton of good for it to dent the bad.  What is wrong with you people?  Yes there are bad people out there that are Extremists, but mostly it's just every day people trying to handle their own shit.  People keep jumping on what ever band wagon is popular at the moment.

It takes just one person to change the world.  Truly it does.  I know you've read or heard me before, but we in my household are trying to be that person.  We are teaching the boys to love everyone.  To forgive (because holding grudges just breeds negativity) but not forget.  To not see the color of ones skin, but see the soul inside.  We don't judge anyone and everyone who wants to start something can stay away.  There are plenty of things people in my life do and I scratch my head and think to myself, what the hell were they thinking.  But I do not blast them on FB, I don't degrade them in front of our peers.  I may pull them to the side and go, "Okay, what the hell is going on?"  And at the end I may still not understand, but at the end of the day it's not my life.  I try and support/guide if I can.  Somethings I just have no knowledge of and I can't do anything but be the ear that listens.  As long as it doesn't harm me or mine have yourself a merry time.

But understand this people who believe the whole if you aren't with me your against me crap you are your own worst enemy.  You are showing more intolerance then anyone else.  You are giving them more reason to say, "See why should I be tolerant, they aren't."  Be the bigger person.  I understand you have to stand up and fight for what you believe, but that doesn't give you the right to be ugly if I don't agree with you.

Say I was a Die hard follow the Bible Christian.  That is my right.  It is my right to not agree with the new Marriage Equality Law.  It is within my right to say it is wrong and goes against my religion.  IF I am a Die hard Lesbian who doesn't believe in the Bible, that is well within my rights to disagree with a Bible thumping Christian.  But that doesn't give either one right to bash the other.  You each have an opinion which should and can be discussed civilly.

Just because you are this race doesn't give you the right to bash that race.  I'm sorry our country was founded on Slavery, but if you read your history correctly it wasn't just Africans that were sold into Slavery.  The Irish were treated a lot the same way.  Some giving their lives up for servitude to live in the US and not in their home country.  But to keep harping on something that happened more then 100 years ago and to keep blaming people of today is wrong.  That is my write to say that.  We have Blackfeet Indian running through our veins but you don't see my raising cane and causing scenes over what was done.

You can't change the past, but you can change the future.  Once voice, one random act of kindness, one person can change the world.  Not all Peach colored (I'm sorry I'm not white) people are bigots and against Darker colored people.  Not all Darker Skinned people are against Peach skinned people.  Not all Christians are against the LGBT community.  Not all LGBT hate Christians.  But until we set it all aside and just be nice to everyone there will be hate and discontent and just plain Rage.  Are there people out there that hate some group or religion, yes.  But that's not everyone.

Just remember EVERYONE has a right to their OWN OPINION!  We do still live in a Free Country (at the moment).

No I am not a professional blogger, this is my personal one. So there are spelling errors and Grammer errors, but I don't care.  :D  Much love to all.

A Rant on my Soapbox

As with most of my blogs, let me say that there will probably be spelling & grammar errors.  I might make some of you mad.  But as we live with free will, my opinions are my opinions.  I'm allowed to have a different one then you.  As you don't have to agree with me, you can have your own opinion.  Please understand though, just because we have different opinions doesn't me I have the right to force mine down your throat or you to force yours down mine.  I'm all for a great discussion as long as that's what it is.  No bashing, no name calling, no religion thumping and no shoving it down my throat.  This is just a small portion of what goes on in my head... Please bear with me.  

I've read a lot in the last 48 hours about Bruce Jenner/Caitlyn Jenner.  How she's a Hero, How she's not a hero, How he will always be a he, How he and everyone like him is going to hell.  And the list goes on and on.  As someone who is friends with a number of the Transgender community she has taken the steps many of these people would like to take to become the person they are inside.  It is not for anyone to Judge.  (I know as a majority Homosapiens will judge)  Yes, if you believe in the bible it does state (not exact words) to show the lost the path.  What it does not say is to shove that path down our throats and make us feel like we are worth nothing.  Everyone is entitled to an opinion and has the right to express that opinion, but not the right to be hatefully or hurtful with it.  

I have fought with my "religion" all my life.  Trying to figure out if I fit into any of the hundreds of religions out there.  I've been to many different "churches" and never seemed to fit into any given one.  I even thought for a while there I found a "Home"  but in the end I still felt like I didn't belong there and moved on.  As of this moment I believe there is a Big Man up there, but I have a very hard time with any organized religion. Now that portion being said, I believe in equal rights for every HOMOSAPIEN.  I don't care if you are male, female, black, white, gay, straight, transgender or whatever.  I do not think it is our place to judge anyone.  That is between the person and their maker.  Their maker is the one who will judge in the end.  

I believe that there a many types of Hero's in this world.  You don't have to wear a uniform to be a Hero.  Just many that do wear them are.  I believe Bruce/Caitlyn Henner is a Hero for the Transgender Community.  This is a step in the right direction for them.  Hopefully a step towards acceptance.  I think it's funny how in today's society there is still a race card, but have you ever noticed no matter what race everyone "hates" the LGBT Community.  This will be a never ending battle until People learn it is not our place to judge.  But again, some will always judge.  It is Homosapien nature. 

I Very MUCH SUPPORT our LGBT Community.  But please understand as long as you aren't hurting people I pretty much support.  In my household we are teaching our children to accept everyone based on the person they are on the inside.  Not the color of their skin, their religion, or who the have sex with or love.  A person is a person.  People also make mistakes and for those that are truly trying to atone for the mistakes and become a better person then they deserve a second chance.  Our home is Sanctuary.  For those of our friends in need, who need help.  Once you step foot on our property you put aside all your hate or prejudices aside and we are just family! 

So this rant has gone all over the place and if you have been able to follow it great if not then oh well.  But the bottom line is EVERYONE should be treated EQUAL No Matter what! 

For my Ohana reading this I LOVE ALL OF YOU!